May, 2013

Our year in Salzburg is highlighting the realities of our parenting approach – for better or worse.

The huge difference between Salzburg and Tahoe is that, in Tahoe, Annika has school until 2:30 and then depending on the day she has an afternoon activity (ballet, gym, soccer, skiing, etc) as well. What this often meant is that everyone would leave at ~8:00am, and I wouldn’t see them again until possibly as late as 5:00pm (the twins, who had not yet started school, were always along for the ride). Our time together as a family during the week then was brief, and the twins were still young enough to not be that independent.

In Salzburg it’s quite different. Annika is out of school and home by 1 (some day’s its 12); twins are out at 12:15. For the first few months I took advantage of this by being home when they returned from school. But by December it became obvious to me that this approach was failing: Andrea and I are just not in sync when it comes to parenting, and so the girls would simply get irritated with me and gravitate towards their Mom (this was exacerbated by the fact that I can’t help Annika with her German homework, which has extended to me not helping her with any homework).

Let me explain.

I am the stricter of the two parents (Andrea agrees with this); I have no problem saying “No”, whereas Andrea (by her own admission) has trouble. (Part of me wonders if this is due to Andrea’s chosen parental role model being her Omi versus her Mother, but that likely simplifies things too much). In an ideal situation (in my opinion) parents act as a single cohesive unit: if one says “No” first, the other supports that. Or if one says “Yes” first, the other supports that. The ideal is in melding the two parents together into one, so that (hopefully) any strict and lenient patterns are moderated, and as far as the children are concerned both parents operate on the same plane.

Andrea doesn’t support this model (when I told her in December that I would start spending the entire work day at cisco due to our lack of sync, she replied [seriously] that this would be better for them); one might call it dictatorial, but basically what Andrea says, goes.

And it does not take long for the girls to pick up on the path of least resistance.

So, for example, if one of the girls hasn’t eaten their dinner, and they ask for ice cream, I will say no and explain why. Andrea will:

1. Give them ice cream anyway (yes, she has done this)

2. Unilaterally give them some other replacement treat instead – as if I meant “no ice cream, but anything else is fine” (yes, she has done this)

At no time will she say “You heard your father” – literally never.

Replace “ice cream” with “homework” or “no television” or “no iPad” and you get the picture. Plus, for reasons I can’t explain, it seems like Andrea is even more accommodating here than in Tahoe. Late for school but the twins demand to ride the bike? No problem. Breakfast served for them every single morning? Coming right up. Chocolate/sweet’s? Of course you can (a majority of their breakfasts are crepe’s with chocolate Nutella; an afternoon chocolate treat or cake is normal; and, of course, ice cream every single night of the week)!

By December I realized the situation was hopeless; the girls avoided me when it came to asking for something (best case), or yelled at my being mean (worst case). It was disheartening to realize at the beginning of January that I had to minimize my time with them – I couldn’t spoil them entirely, and Andrea showed no interest in coordinating our parenting.

Here is where I fear the cost comes into play. I’m not the perfect parent, but I have my strengths; same certainly goes for Andrea. But when the parenting is singular, any moderation is lost – the strengths of the absent parent are lost, the weaknesses of the active parent become exaggerated. So, for example, Andrea is not an organized person; this where I could help out. As dinner winds down I could step up, remind the girls bed time is approaching, communicate the expectation over time that they should go to the bathroom, wash their hands, and brush their teeth by themselves. In bed with 20 minutes to spare for reading or talking.

Instead, I check out; I literally check out. I go into the kitchen and clean the dishes, etc. Let’s say it’s 7:15 – realistically a great time for 5 year old’s to be nearly in bed and reading books. But Andrea has to pick up Annika at gymnastics, and Niki doesn’t want me to put her to bed (or brush her teeth), and rather than push back Andrea suggests that Niki come with her – now it’s 8:00 when they get home. Andrea (as she is solo) now has to deal with Annika, Niki, and Britta all at the same time. No problem…8:30 and they are in the bedroom playing a game. And chances are very good that the next day the twins will be grumpy, and Andrea will make excuses for them that they are tired – without back tracking to figure out who is responsible for that?

In the end, it is the effect this has on Niki that I fear the most.

Annika is such a sweetheart – full of empathy beyond her years, and it’s not in her nature to take advantage of her situation.

Britta really wants to please; the extent of her selfishness lies in her making you happy, meeting your expectations (Annika is sensitive to meeting expectations as well).

Niki is a wonderful, adventurous, and carefree little girl who likes to stir things up. That’s fine – with boundaries. Right now Niki essentially has none. She gets what she wants, when she wants it. One memory that sticks out is when Niki didn’t eat any dinner – nothing. She asked for ice cream; Andrea started the negotiations low (eat 4 bites of pasta) any quickly went lower (you can have a cookie, but no ice cream). This did not go on for a long time…easily within 5 minutes Niki had her bowl of ice cream.

Or, no penalty. Niki and Britta watching TV, and Niki pulls Britta’s hair, causing her to cry. Is Niki sent to her room? Not allowed to watch any more TV? Nope; just an apology is all that’s required). There are never any real consequences.

What positive lesson can Niki possibly take away from these types of experiences?

Andrea adores Niki’s adventurous and carefree spirit, and doesn’t want to reign that in at all. But I can’t help but feel this is a problem being nurtured.

I hope not, obviously; Niki still has moments of sweetness about her. But when there is only a single parent in the house…