April, 2019

Some times, most of the time really, it seems like the roll of a Dad is to simply give, provide, sacrifice, tolerate. There is very little in return, other than the implicit unintentional feel good moments (being happy because they are happy, successful because they are successful). As the girls get older this required output only seems to increase…

To some degree this is also true for the Mom (give, provide, sacrifice, tolerate), although in many cases (our’s, certainly) the Mom is not the primary money maker (way less to give and provide) and, for maternal connections I assume, Mom’s seem to get more physical feedback than Dad’s (Annika was hugging Andrea last night, from behind as they looked at something on the phone; I don’t even recall the last time I received a hug, kiss, or even touch from Annika).

I’ve noticed a pattern (maybe I’ve written about it already) where this negative (or absent) feedback system (ROI) can temporarily steer me into emotional valley’s where I think to myself “What the hell is in this for me?”. Today is a culmination of my current journey. To wit:

– We are trying to prepare for a 1 year move to Austria; financially this is mildly stressful, not only in sorting out the work details (starting with an approval to move) but also figuring out how to manage the rental houses (which grossed over $130K last year) from another continent. No one, Andrea in particular, has expressed even the slightest interest, concern, or curiosity about such details. I’m on my own.

– Each summer I sacrifice ~7 weeks of time with my daughters so that they can go to Europe and immerse themselves in the language, the culture, and their grandparents. It’s a worthy sacrifice but one that has always gone unacknowledged by all. So imagine my reaction when, this year, I ask about a short trip to Denver (with a continuation to Germany) to see my family. Here is their sacrifice:

1. Andrea needs to leave the US by July 8, so that she can make the annual family trip to Lech (us going to Austria for 1 year does not mean she is willing to miss the trip to Lech). Even though Annika doesn’t want to go to Lech (she wants to stay home and have some time with friends before leaving for a year), and even though the pets can’t be transported until Aug 1 (which is when Andrea’s house is available), Andrea must leave the US by July 8. No questions, no sacrifice.
2. This means a short trip to Denver would overlap July 4th. Annika, Niki and Britta want to be in Tahoe over the 4th. No questions, no sacrifice.
3. Andrea doesn’t even want to go to Denver, so she wants to figure out a way out of it for her. In fact her suggestions were they (my Mom, Arlene, David, Ethan, Sara, Tevin, and Ashton) come to Tahoe. Or that we go for a weekend in May or June, even though there is no free weekend in May or June. No questions, no sacrifice.

February 2019 was the snowiest month on record, ever, in the Tahoe Basin. Squaw received over 300 inches (25 feet!!!) of snow within those 28 days; it snowed 24 of the 28 days. I shoveled and blew every one of those 300+ inches (in addition to work, family logistics [driving], etc). It was already old by the middle of the month.

While that may be my excuse, regardless I didn’t shave for the month (I’ve never been prompt about shaving, but this was extreme). After a few weeks I told the girls it wasn’t a beard, but rather it was simply a side effect of not shaving.

By the end of the month it was officially a beard.

I hadn’t thought about it at all; not looking in the mirror made that an easy task. Annika, on the other hand, had to look at it a lot and did not like what she saw. She began an unsuccessful campaign to have Niki and Britta agree with her that I should shave.

Which got me to thinking.

Given that human beings, and young human beings in particular, are tempted by superficial clues (how someone looks, in particular) to judge people (for better or worse), I thought it would be interesting to challenge these impulses. If their Papa, who they know and love, suddenly looks different (and admittedly worse), but is still the underlying same person, maybe they might realize that looks are not a good first clue as to who a person is (and how they should be judged).

Sounds great, but the exercise was a failure for the most part. Annika continued to focus on me looking worse and not doing anything about it – which is a fair reaction. I was coming across as stubborn, which I don’t think I am and was not the point, anyway.

So then I thought of another exercise: Annika should learn how to influence people, a skill that will be useful in life. So I encouraged her to try and influence her sisters to “vote” that I shave; if she was successful I would shave. However, Annika’s attempt at influence essentially boiled down to trying to convince her sisters that I looked terrible (which they didn’t want to subscribe to as they thought they would be insulting me).

Sounds great, but that exercise was a failure for the most part, too.

So then I thought I’d continue the “challenge these impulses” regarding superficial judgement based on physical attributes, with the intent that this would end with my being clean shaven. Which led to this:

When the girls saw it they didn’t react at all; I think they were tired of this facial hair exercise.

I persevered being silly; why not have fun with it?

It turns out 16 is not a time of frivolity or goofiness; I was stressing Annika out, which was never my intent. So Niki, Britta and I went to work removing all facial hair, albeit incrementally in one short 5 minute session.

In summary, it is possible for me to overthink things, to see moral or ethical learning opportunities when in fact none exists. But also: I don’t recall 16 being such a fraught time…

In 2012-2013 we lived in Austria for one full year. Annika was in 4th grade, Niki and Britta in pre-K, and my 2 goals (language immersion and maximum time with Mimi and Opa) were easily met. We didn’t travel outside of Austria a lot – the girls were quickly consumed by school, ski team, gymnastics, etc – but it was a fantastic experience for all.

I thought it was a once in a lifetime opportunity (as a family), so I didn’t manage the details: ship the car, packed with our belongings? Sure! Take the dogs? Sure! Leave our house empty? Sure! Spend a lot of money? Sure!

Flash forward to Dec 2018, when Annika (10th grade at the time) says at the dinner table “I think we should go to Austria again for a year”, to which Andrea, Niki and Britta cheer on in the affirmative. I’m taken aback; I can’t believe Annika at 16 would want to leave her friends, also during an important (Junior) year in terms of college.

I’ve come to understand that Annika is not enjoying school much at all; she has friends but not a lot of close one’s, so her leaving is not actually giving up a lot.

Niki is similar; she’s had a terrible year (4th grade) with Mrs. Plapp, and unfortunately associates that negativity with the entire school and Tahoe in general.

Thus my concern is that they want more to leave Tahoe than to go to Salzburg. Plus, as was the case in 2012, their language skill with German is entirely acceptable (and will easily improve) with speaking, but no where near grade level for reading and writing. School will be a challenge.

Well, almost (for Annika). Since she must receive credit to complete her High School requirements, were she to go to a local school she would then also have to attend online school to satisfy her US requirements (English, History, Math, etc). So the decision, really the only option, is that Annika attend a private American International School (which is pricey).

Back in Dec 2018 we set a deadline of March 1st to verify all the planning (school in particular) before deciding if we will/can go or not; that date blows by. We then set a date of April 15; that date blows by. Andrea’s life motto of “why do today what you can do tomorrow?” plays a part. We still don’t (as of end of April 2019) have a definite “yes” for the twins, in terms of a school, but we’ve decided last night we will go.

What I’m confident of:

– Language immersion. This will be a good thing.

– Mimi and Opa. This too will be a good thing; as they continue to age quality time will be more rare, so this is worthy.

– Overall experience. The girls are comfortable enough with Salzburg that the cultural experience will continue to grow.

What I’m less confident of:

– School (Annika). It’s not obvious to me that Annika will flourish, personally. There is no guaranteed reason why she will have better personal experiences with girls at the International School in Salzburg more so than her longtime friends in Tahoe.

– School (Annika). I have no idea how attractive 11th grade at an International School is to potential colleges. Regardless of grades, Colleges may see it as not very rugged, with more play time than work time.

– School (twins). I’m really concerned about language. In 2012 Annika had difficulty the first half of her 4th grade school year (but to her credit she shined the second half) owing to German, but now Niki and Britta will be in 6th grade with more developed ego’s which need to succeed. For them to stumble the first half of 6th grade will be much more difficult to manage (much of which will have to be handled by Andrea, specific to the language).

– Britta. She’s sorta the innocent victim here. She’s happy with Tahoe, school, skiing, gymnastics, soccer, friends. She’s excited to go but also a little apprehensive, as she will be giving up all those things – more than Annika and Niki.

My last concern, less so, is Life. The girls (mostly Niki and Britta) complain sometimes about life (too busy, tired of snow, blah blah blah). But in Austria they will be giving up a lot of things they take for granted, from entertainment (Alexa, Netflix, etc) to sports (trampoline, gymnastics, soccer). They won’t be as busy, either, But maybe this will be a good lesson; go without the things they assume, and upon our return maybe they won’t assume as much.

The last question mark concerns (my) work and money. In 2012 my boss allowed the move and it was essentially not managed through HR (pay remained in $ to my US bank account). It was super easy but likely not super appropriate. This time around (new position, new boss) it won’t be so half-hazard so I still have to work out the details.

And since this isn’t a “once in a lifetime opportunity” any longer, I’m paying more attention to finances (paying $8K to send a car there and back, or spending $10K to leave our Tahoe house empty, for example). This will affect the experience to some degree, but hopefully not as much. It could be that the girls don’t (formally) participate in gymnastics or skiing, such that there won’t be as many weekend trip to the mountains or gym competitions. More time in Salzburg, on bikes. 🙂

To be continued…

Let’s say a blind date means this: you meet someone for the first time, you spend a few hours together, you get to know each other and (maybe) hit it off 0r (more likely) not hit it off.

With Annika some afternoon or evening we’ll enjoy some quality time, where it feels natural and positive with easy conversation. I’ll go to bed happy for the experience.

The next day confirms there is no continuity: the time together is quiet, interrupted, annoying (on Annika’s end), and generally unwelcome.

Raising a teenager is a bit – no, more than a bit – like a perpetual blind date (groundhog day). Each day is a brand new blind date with a stranger, getting to know each other (or in my case avoiding any minefields while proactively navigating the terrain).

Niki and Britta promise we it won’t be this way with them…right…:)

Funny…