Annika went to her first Prom, as a sophomore, in a whirlwind weekend.
She drove to Las Vegas on Thursday with her Track team for the State finals (scored personal bests in 4×100, 4×200, and triple jump!); then flew to Oakland on Saturday where Dom, her date, picked her up and would bring her back to her parents house to get ready. The Prom was in San Francisco (possibly at some Hotel, Annika wasn’t sure), so Dom’s older sister drove them there and back.
While I had some trepidation – Dom is a Senior, I’ve never met him and he never bothered to call me to introduce himself – Annika justified her going (she REALLY wanted to, it wouldn’t interfere with track, she would get a cheap plane ticket, Andrea had met him before at Squaw [Dom and Annika met as both are Junior ski instructors], etc) so I agreed.
It got odd from there.
What I would have expected, under normal circumstances, is that any conversations about the weekend would be between Andrea, Annika and I. Instead, as I see Annika so (very) little now that she drives (even Niki and Britta lament that it feels like she’s not in our family any longer), I hear details (really, decisions made without me in the loop) about the weekend from Andrea at random times. My input or thoughts are never solicited, and my only parting advice is to not let Dom drive if he has been drinking. Fair enough, right?
On Saturday, Prom day, Annika is texting the entire day (at track, to the airport, at the airport, in Oakland, etc), which is all good. But she only texts Andrea – a small and insignificant detail, but consistent with how things are going specific to leaving me out of the loop. The plan, as I’m told, is that Andrea will drive down to the Bay Area Saturday evening to pick up Annika after the Prom, then they spend the night at my Dad’s in Benicia.
Andrea leaves for the Bay, and I don’t get any texts that night or Sunday morning; the first I hear from them is Sunday at 2:42PM, on their way home. I certainly could have (and likely should have) texted either Andrea or Annika (or both) before that, but I was busy with Niki and Britta at a soccer tournament in Carson City, and didn’t want to be a doting parent (“Did you have fun??”).
They get home to Tahoe Sunday night and I literally don’t see Annika; she goes right to her bedroom, takes a shower, hangs out, whatever. I go down to ask her to come up at some point and tell us all about her weekend, and later Niki and Britta do the same, to no avail. Finally I go downstairs and ask a few basic questions, aware that my questions are not appreciated, and as she is tired we agree to talk more in the morning. I’m just excited to hear how her entire weekend went.
All that is normal, in terms of Annika the teenager. Disengaged with the family, reluctant to say much, and generally impatient with me. I’ve gotten used to it.
Andrea tells me about the time with my Dad; while she doesn’t go into details about picking Annika up, she and Annika (later) both indicate that they slept in the same bed at my Dad’s (one of his spare bedrooms is empty of furniture), and they didn’t have breakfast with him (which seems odd). Details are sparse from both of them, which is also odd.
Here is what actually happened: Annika spent the night with Dom in Walnut Creek (I really know nothing more than that; I don’t know where, who else, when, zilch. I can’t ask because both are already committed to the lie, the illusion that Annika slept at my Dad’s). Andrea picked her up sometime on Sunday.
Here is what is really, really, disappointing and troubling.
Throughout our marriage Andrea has been consistently deceptive, about things both (very) big and (very) small; even worse, she’s shown no capability for guilt, remorse, or reflection on the damage done. This broken moral compass (my view) is who she is, nurtured as a teenager by an emotionally abusive (I can’t speak to the degree) Mom and emotionally absent Dad. When they said “no”, Andrea said (to herself) “I’ll do it anyway”. Deception became the normal resistant reaction.
What I never expected is that Andrea would both tolerate, and participate, in deception on Annika’s part. It’s heartbreaking: one important task of parenting is to teach (and demonstrate) morality, ethics, right vs wrong, and (most of all) the importance of honesty to a relationship and its foundation. There are certainly times when (for example) Annika might tell me something and ask that I not tell Andrea; I’m certain the reverse happens too, which in my mind is mostly acceptable as it’s important to respect her wishes and confidence. But not telling, versus telling lies and deceptions, are entirely different ends of the spectrum.
I’m at a loss as to how to bring this up with Annika in a constructive way, to properly discuss how one should be honest…
