August, 2020

An interesting read.

Of course, all of this argues for nurture (vs nature), but yesterday I listened to a 2 hour podcast about how much nature (genetics) affects humans and basically parents really can’t do much wrong (except in the extreme cases). My suspicion is that nurture (shared environment) matters a lot the first few years of life, before nature truly starts to kick in thereafter. But who know’s, it’s complicated.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/07/can-an-unloved-child-learn-to-love/612253/

Of special interest is “Insecure Avoidant”:

– does not orientate to their attachment figure while investigating the environment.

– very independent of the attachment figure both physically and emotionally

– does not seek contact with the attachment figure when distressed. Such children are likely to have a caregiver who is insensitive and rejecting of their needs

– The attachment figure may withdraw from helping during difficult tasks and is often unavailable during times of emotional distress.

Insecure-avoidant infants are associated with unresponsive primary care. The child comes to believe that communication of needs has no influence on the mother/father.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_children
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

Dismissive-avoidant
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a positive view of self and a negative view of others.

People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships”, “It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient”, and “I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.” People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with attachments, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (e.g. their attachments or relationships).

I know I’ve complained before, but the point of this blog is to share my thoughts, so…

It’s summer 2020, I’ve been home for about 7 weeks (after spending 2019-2020 in Salzburg), and you girls are still in Salzburg having much fun I know.

Last week I finished a 6 day float down the Salmon River in Northern Idaho. 10 boats, 24 people including 6 teenagers. The teenagers were having a lot of fun the entire time, kayaking and rafting down the river, and I couldn’t help but think about you three and how much fun something like this would be to do as a family (or as a family within a larger group).

The reality, of course, is that summers in Austria prevent any sort of family summer event. We’ve made use of School Spring Break over the years (Death Valley and Dana Point and Disneyland and Florida) but with one exception (2015 and the houseboat trip to Lake Powell) we’ve never been able to enjoy a summer in the US. The personal investment I’ve made in you girls spending the summer in Austria with Mimi and Opa is important, but like any investment there is a (hidden) cost, too.

It’s a sacrifice I willingly make – and at the risk of sounding terribly pitiful, I’m really the only one making a sacrifice in this regard – but it’s a sacrifice that weighs on me year after year. My time with your lovely ladies is finite, and loosing 16% of my potential time with you each year is a high cost.

I want to think that we can make up for this lost time, post college. Go rafting as a family, visit some National Parks, hike the John Muir trail, etc. And if that happens it will be fun and different (you three being older and more mature) and worthwhile, so that’s what I’m hoping for. That will be my final return on my summer-in-Austria investment.