July, 2017

Big, empty, quiet house. It’s clean and uncluttered. And big. And empty. And quiet. Really quiet.

You girls are gone; off to Europe to see Mimi and Opa.

I know what’s in store for me, and yet I’m always mildly unprepared. I know it’s going to be quiet, yet the silence still over powers.

A few notes.

1. The lead up. ~2 months ago, in a fit of early onset pity, I made a few comments to you girls intended to let you know what my reality is like when you’re all gone. You are all old enough now, and wonderfully empathetic humans, to feel bad for me. I realized the error of my ways and never indulged in the pity trip again. While I am miserable while your gone, I’m vested in the purpose and success of these trips; I don’t want any of you to be sad on my behalf while in Europe, even in a passing moment. I want you to have fun, planting memories and being consumed by the quality time with Mimi and Opa. But the self-pity is hard to suppress; it visits me every day the few weeks prior to your leaving.

2. The purpose. You may always wonder why I usually don’t go to Europe as well, at least for some portion of your trip. Plenty of people ask that, too. The answer is simple: my presence will dilute the experience you should be having – maximum time with your wonderful grandparents Mimi and Opa, without distractions borne by me; maximum language immersion, without English detours on my behalf; maximum cultural immersion (both in Germany and Austria), without me wanting to invest my vacation time in a trip to France, or Italy, or Spain. I would love to go with you to Europe, and we will in the future once Mimi and Opa are not able to do as much with you as they can today. But right now it’s about you, about Mimi and Opa, and about fostering the bonds between you and them. Priceless.

3. The departure. Last year, for the first time, I wept at the airport; I was really sad. This time I didn’t cry, sorta by design. I think due to #1 above, I distracted myself – needed to appear strong. We kept the goodbye short, and with security blocking all vision I turned to leave right away. It sucks that Dad’s need to appear strong- or that I thought I need to appear strong.

4. The time. It goes very slow; I organize my weekdays in this dull (for others, not me) repetition of events: wake up, feed the dogs, walk them on the Big Pine loop. Check work emails, then ride my bike up Blackwood Canyon. I really do enjoy the ride, and enjoy the exertion and the feeling of exhaustion, but in the end it’s well under 2 hours time; most of the day is still before me. Work for a few more hours, then take a mtn bike ride through Paige Meadows with Kino in the afternoon. After this is where it can get slow; with most of my work complete, the day is still long but I’m sufficiently tired from the biking. So what to do? Sometimes watch a movie, or read a book, or check the news. Almost every summer Mike comes to Tahoe for a week during this time, so I’ll go there at nights as a wonderful distraction. By Friday I’m usually eager to get away from the house and all it’s quiet reminders; I may go to Napa, or Sacramento to see Rich or Kel, or Concord to see Russ. Just gotta leave, to break things up. Even then, tennis with Rick on Friday and Sunday mornings means I leave after tennis on Friday, but return Sat night so that I can play tennis Sunday; so my respite is only about 36 hours. Solitary confinement in a large house is still solitary confinement.

5. Communication. This is the worst part; distance apart is bad enough, but me not having any control over when I can talk with you is tough. I would love to have a short chat every night before you go to bed, but Opa’s predilection towards frugality means no wireless internet at the apartment – even if I offer to pay for it myself. It’s not unusual for me to only speak with you 3 times during your 6 weeks away; heart breaking, and entirely out of my control without anyone in Europe there to protect my interests.

I tell myself it will go quick, which it never does – until it’s the day before your return, and I clean the house and get things ready. Only then am I in the position to conclude…yeah, it went by fast.

Until then, I’ll miss, and I’ll love, and I’ll await, you all.