September, 2018

I think a lot about The Goodbye: when your child leaves, not only physically but psychologically and emotionally, home. They will always be in your life, but it’s different…it’s grown up, massively reduced, with an emphasis transitioning from need (which is reliably consistent when young) to want (which is reliably inconsistent with the distractions of daily life as an adult).

I had equated The Goodbye to High School graduation and (more specifically) leaving for college. I recall in May 2013 when Annika was “graduating” from 4th grade in Salzburg, lying in bed with tears in my eyes, fearing the real graduation that would come too soon in June 2021. I have many parenting faults but that doesn’t diminish parenting being the most important and rewarding thing I will ever take part in, and High School graduation was, in many ways, the end of that – I will always be a parent, but I will no longer be parenting.

A quote from Barack Obama, Sept 7 2018 during a speech that was not about his daughters:

I also wanted to spend quality time with my daughters, who were suddenly young women on their way out the door. And I should add, by the way, now that I have a daughter in college, I can tell all of the students here, your parents suffer. They cry privately. It is brutal. So please call. Send a text. We need to hear from you, just a little something.

But lately friends with children who have recently graduated from High School have enlightened me to an obvious yet unseen reality: the real goodbye happens around 16. These friends talk of barely seeing their children once they are 16 and driving and independent and busy with their teenage lives. Which for Annika is 5 months away. 5 months until The Goodbye that I was already weeping about in May 2013 but not expecting for another 32 months. Here is a text from Annika, this week:

Put then we could get my license like 30 days earlier.... I don't care I just want to drive, Alone

So I’m thinking a lot this week, contemplating need vs want. Annika wants me less and less while she needs me more and more (starting with a car), and I was tempted to console myself imagining that I still have Niki and Britta who want me more than they need me. But upon reflection this is a fallacy; when Niki or Britta or both of them ask me to play a game, play outside, read to me, etc – it really is more of a need than a want (or maybe it’s equal need and want). And if they had a friend over they would readily play a game, play outside, or read with that friend over me – after all, friends (want) are just more fun than adults (need). They need me when they want to play, just as they need me when they are doing homework.

While the tone of this note might seem depressing, it’s not really. I’m reconciling myself to the reality that I should be looking forward to the girls becoming adults and leaving home, as that’s when we are much closer to them talking or being with me because they genuinely want to, versus need to. It’s a good thing. Still, don’t forget: So please call. Send a text. We need to hear from you, just a little something.