Affair

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Last post on this topic, the affair with Jack Lyons.

Jack seems to be big into meditation – good for him, sincerely.

Many days he will forward to Andrea a daily message he receives (I think) from his meditation app. It’s actually a nice gesture, and the messages are always inspiring and positive like this:

But the dichotomy of Jack sending socially redeeming messages to someone he is having a socially unredeeming affair with – a married woman with 3 kids, and he knows these kids very well – is bewildering. How can the human mind rationalize one’s obviously inappropriate actions so effectively – especially one who is meditating each day to conceivably become a better person?

[As an aside, I recall a text Andrea sent to my Dad a few years back mocking me for my meditation attempts. One person’s folly is another person’s reward.]

I understand love and passion; I don’t understand affairs. The former is beautiful and uplifting and empowering and regenerative; the latter is lazy and hideous and destructive and moral cowardice. It’s. So. Obvious.

My marriage with Andrea effectively ended June 4th 2002, when she had her first affair while pregnant with Annika. While it’s arguable whether we’ve done a good thing by staying together (“for the kids”) all these years, I still assumed that Andrea would not subject her kids to the damage done by another affair, and that she didn’t actually need or desire a relationship – she wanders through life solo, no dependencies and no regards.

[I have my thoughts on why; for another day. In this regard I do sympathize with Andrea, as I see her very much as a victim.]

These texts with Jack certainly make me re-consider these points; the texts feel like they are between teenagers, newly in love. Sort of. But they’re not. They are between two desperate adults in their 50’s, one divorced with 2 boys and one not divorced with 3 girls. If Andrea had approached me (ideally honestly and sincerely) to talk about ending our marriage as it’s no longer healthy for her or (she might believe) the girls, I would absolutely have that conversation. If we could deal with our relationship (such as it is) and with each other with some requisite respect, we could be on the right foot towards ending the marriage and beginning a new life but in a positive and affirming and beneficial way for the girls.

Instead, I’m pondering divorce and not sure how much respect I can muster. Respect for me – it’s arguable that it was my only option, but still – eavesdropping on Andrea’s texts? Not really. Respect for Andrea, bitter and angry and impatient with me 24×7? Not really.

It’s odd. Before marriage I would fantasize about being in love. The first few years of marriage I didn’t fantasize about a thing because I was over the top happy and in love. After Andrea’s first affair I would fantasize about simply having a decent, respectful and loving relationship with a partner who would be my equal. Now I simply fantasize about having a mature, non-confrontational divorce. How’s that for de-evolution?

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There have been mean aspects to other texts included elsewhere – the gay reference, the Christmas catering – but these stand apart.

First, looking ahead to a divorce that I know nothing about.

Next, this one requires some background.

On December 19th I took an all day avalanche training with TNSAR. Andrea had to take the girls to school, but I was expecting the course to end by 3 which would mean I could pick the girls up after nordic training. So the plan was: I will be at the school by 5:00 to pick them up.

However, the class ran late. When I left the training, I noticed the girls had texted me saying they didn’t need a ride. I texted them at 4:16 once I was in Tahoe City to confirm, but didn’t hear back from them (they didn’t have their phone with them when skiing). Once I was home I left my phone in the house, and was outside clearing snow from the decks and driveway. The girls tried texting and calling me just past 5, but I never heard the phone (plus my phone was old and never reliably made sounds at home for any text or call). They finally called Andrea who was working at Palisades, and she came to pick them up. They were home around 6.

A screenshot from my phone of the texts:

Now, I don’t know what Niki & Britta said to Andrea; they may have given her the wrong (but accurate, in terms of not responding on time or answering my phone) impression about me. Still, the highlight of Andrea’s text with Jack: “I had my hopes up for an accident”. I think Jack’s note (“all timers setting in”) was meant to be “Alzheimer’s setting in”.

“Not idea he won’t talk to me”. That too is a lie; Andrea questioned me as soon as she walked in the door (“What happened to you?”). I explained the texts with the girls, and then showed them to her.

And then this last bit…just speechless.

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I’ll let these speak for themselves. Certainly lots of hearts

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An affair is an interesting thing, specific to honesty. By definition an affair is a deceptive lie to those not involved with the affair; but for the 2 that are involved, each is already demonstrating their lack of character so there is no reason for them to trust each other, either.

I’ve already mentioned my speculation that Jack might think our home life is different than it actually is. Here are some more anecdotal texts which helps support that idea via deceptive messaging from Andrea to Jack.

First. Tuesday Dec 13, Andrea has the day off and I plan to backcountry ski with Paul Cushing. Andrea asks if she can come along, which is fine of course. Near the top of Jake’s Peak Andrea asks for a photo of just herself, contemplating Lake Tahoe in the background. I think…weird. You don’t want anyone else in the photo? We get to the top and we do take some pictures together with my phone.

Later that day, however, Andrea mentioned her tour in a text to Jack but leaves the definite impression she was by herself.

Second. On Thursday December 15th Andrea says, oddly, “I have twins tonight” – as if we are already divorced and the girls are going back and forth between us. However, what really happened that night is that we all went together to the High School band performance; Niki & Britta aren’t in band, but they wanted to watch friends who are.

Jack ends with another offer for dinner at his house.

Third. The Sunday that they were supposed to have dinner, Andrea has to cancel as she “got tickets for the nutcracker for today”. Actually, I got tickets for the Nutcracker for all 4 of us – we all went together.

Fourth. On Tuesday Dec 27th, Andrea suggests that she can’t have dinner with Jack since I am leaving for the night which presumably means she has to take care of the girls. Actually, we all went as a family to the Nordic Center to listen to the Olympian nordic skier Hannah Halvorson talk about her competition experiences.

They end with gay humor…speechless.

Fifth. Finally, the weekend of January 23rd the girls are racing Junior National’s in Utah, and Andrea and I decided to go watch last minute. After some back and forth as to which auto to drive we decided on the Sienna (which was the right call, in the end). Andrea’s answer here certainly suggests she went to Utah alone.

So in some odd way, I’m tempted to give Jack some slack. I’ve been on the lying end of Andrea’s fabrications since 2002, so I know how easy it is to be duped. If Jack has been led to believe that our marriage is over (which, to be honest, it is in some ways) and that Andrea is available, he’s not (in his mind) doing anything inappropriate.

And with respect to Andrea’s ability to deceive without any moral conflict whatsoever…it’s amazing (in a very bad and depressing way) to watch. There have been (to include in this post, as well as earlier texts and later texts) references to the Ruby’s, a mountain range in northern Nevada with cat accessible backcountry skiing. Based on more than a few texts Andrea and Jack certainly have plans to go there (it’s far enough that it would be an overnight trip). Today, on the way to the nordic center with the girls, Andrea mentions that she may ski the Ruby’s…with some Argentinians from work. She mentions nothing about me or the girls going. I look her with in the eye for longer than necessary – I’m genuinely trying to telepathically tell her I know the truth, so see if there is any “normal” human guilty reaction, but there is…nothing. Stunning. She can lie without costs, without remorse, without guilt; it’s just a void.

Still later the same day she asks me about some possible plans this summer in Austria for the family. And I’m speechless and dumbstruck: she can concurrently talk and plan about an overnight with Jack, and a family vacation with her family. Andrea continues to expose me to an aspect of human nature that I really never knew existed.

To be continued…

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German Christmas traditions have always been important to Andrea; I would have never guessed that Christmas would be up for sale to the highest bidder, especially when the bidder is Jack.

Around the 2nd week of December Andrea tells me (and, to be clear, her plans with the girls were already cast in stone) that they will be catering on Christmas Day in Sparks at the Tesla battery factory. Her message is simple: while she tries to discourage me, if I want to see the girls on Christmas I’ll need to work too. I remind her that something like this should be discussed between us before any decisions are made, but that message (which has been delivered countless times before) falls on deaf ears.

I agree to work Christmas Day. The girls are actually excited; they like Jack, they like catering, and they like making money (specific amounts are never discussed, but it’s supposed to be “a lot”).

The first texts are from Nov 30. Note the emoji here; vomiting when referencing how I might like to spend Christmas day with the girls. And Jack promising the night will end with me convinced to get a divorce.

The first reference to money; $2000 per person – of which they’ll take half of my pay, which I inadvertently circumvent the night of the catering.

Some more childish humor.

On 12/1 they hatch the plan to have separate hotel rooms for Andrea and I – no idea why.

More childish humor on the 4th…

Here the reference “he can sleep on the floor” again suggests that Jack has been given the impression that we are essentially divorced, and possibly not even sleeping in the same bed.

And again on Dec 23rd…

By now the plans have changed; instead of just working the 25th (not a big deal since we do most of our celebrations on the 24th) we will also be working the 24th (from 6PM-2AM), sleep for a few hours in our 2 different hotel rooms, then be back on the 25th for a shift from 9AM-2PM.

Jack offers Andrea some hearts Christmas Day.

The 2 days of working I spent a little time with Jack (although we were rarely alone) getting the food ready to go inside, and the rest of the time I was with Andrea and the girls serving food, cleaning up, handing out plates, etc. I was working hard as I would with any work, trying to do a good job. I explained to the girls that I absolutely disagreed with the decision to work Christmas, but here we are so let’s make the best of it.

And there were no talks with Jack about divorce (or anything else for that matter).

The only awkward moment with Jack was when he stopped by our station (there were two different cafeteria’s, so two different food stations). Andrea mentioned that she wasn’t sure if we had enough plates to last; I looked at the pile of unused plates that we had – it was huge – and thought “why would she think we might run out?”. Jack motioned to Andrea to follow him, he would show her where more plates are if needed; they walked ~100 meters away, around a corner into the serving section of the cafeteria (which was closed since we were serving food elsewhere).

Now Jack could have gotten the extra plates himself, or verbally explained to Andrea where to get them with a point of the finger, so I thought “that’s weird”. A few minutes later – yes, they had been gone a few minutes, way more than necessary – unplanned by me, an empty meat tray needed to be cleaned out which we did at the cafeteria sink which was right where Jack and Andrea were. Walking over to them around the corner, I half expected to turn the corner and see them in an embrace, but instead they were standing together talking softly until Jack saw me and nearly yelled out “So now you know where to get more plates if you need them”, and they both walked away.

That’s awkward, I thought.

Finally, as for money. Remember I hadn’t seen any of these texts by the time we were working on Christmas. However, I didn’t need the money (and since I didn’t agree that we should even be there, I concluded I’m not deserving of any money anyway) and knew that the girls (and Andrea) did so the night of Christmas Eve I told Jack not to worry about paying me, but instead to split my pay in 3rd’s and give it to Andrea and the girls. I would love to know how that message was processed in Jack’s head…

And as for money, weeks after we had worked Niki & Britta asked Andrea (absentmindedly, out of the blue) about the pay for the catering. Andrea said she deposited the money into each of their bank accounts….all $500. Is it really possible that Andrea stole money from her daughters?

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In addition to coffee dates, there were a lot of references to having dinner (although it looks like they weren’t able to have many dinners together).

What’s interesting here is Jack; his suggestions for dinner are so casual, that it feels like Andrea has given him an impression that she and I are all but legally divorced. He knows we live together (with Niki & Britta), but he never asks along the lines of “can you get away” or “is Mark around?”. It’s as if him regularly asking Andrea – a married woman – out for dinner is an entirely reasonable act. If Andrea has misled him, that should come out if/when I’m able to speak with Jack. But it also relates to other deceptions that Andrea has made to Jack, which I’ll cover next.

Note the hearts, too. There are many more posts with hearts that I’ll cover separately.

This first dinner will happen when the girls and I are away (girls in Canada, me in Napa golfing with Rich for a few days). Andrea doesn’t suggest in any of her texts that I am gone, which might leave Jack with the impression that her going out to dinner with him is known and acceptable to me.

On Thanksgiving night Andrea catered with Jack (I had dinner as usual with Jenny and Russell). The Friday after Thanksgiving Jack suggests dinner again, even at his place. Accompanied by another heart.

And another…

And another…

And another…

And another…

And another…

And another…

And another…

With this dinner, on Wednesday January 25 2023, you see the lie that Andrea tells me: she’s going to Truckee to speak with the Lumber folks about our kitchen remodel. First, the texts to Jack:

Followed by a post-dinner text (“an amazing super mom and super sexy”), followed by the hearts. The note to Elko will be addressed in another post.

Here is the text Andrea sent to me about Truckee.

When Andrea got home, she told the girls and I that she had gotten a quick dinner at Burger Me in Truckee.

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After reading through the entire text string from Dec 30th (going back to Nov 8th), one thing that stood out was coffee. Jack would come to Palisades – it wasn’t clear if it was for work or not, although I suspect not as November before Thanksgiving was quiet and Jack wasn’t likely working yet (he worked for Palisades Kids) and anyway he never referenced coming for work – and in fact most times he would come mid-morning.

Here are some examples; there are more, but this sets the stage for what state their relationship might be around this time. They never meet with others for coffee, and when not meeting with Jack Andrea isn’t having coffee with others.

This next one is interesting (“it looks like we need to meet at different places”).

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Let me note from the start that I’m open to the accusation or at least general disagreement that my surreptitiously reading Andrea’s texts was wrong, or inappropriate, or inexcusable. My only defense: I had no other recourse. I had no real way to obtain the truth about what was going on and which absolutely concerned me and the girls. The rest of this post hopefully suggests that while I was meticulous, I was also…desperate. For the truth.

So, the first week of November 2022, after Andrea had gone to bed, I checked her phone to read Jack’s texts. However…the entire text string with Jack that I had glanced at that night with Britta had been mysteriously deleted. Sort of a smoking gun, right? Weeks earlier when I was helping Britta with her problem texting the images from Andrea’s phone, Andrea seemed a bit anxious that I had her phone. In general, she always acts anxious when I have her phone or computer (which I rarely have, and only to help Andrea with a technical issue that she has asked my help for). All I can suppose is that sometime after that night with Britta in October, with Andrea knowing there was incriminating evidence to her plans for a divorce (that I knew nothing about) on her phone, she deleted Jack’s entire text history.

I wish I knew then what I know now: I could have verified if she had any deleted texts in the Trash, and if so I could have restored them.

A few weeks went by, with me wondering what in the world was going on behind my back – both about a potential divorce and a possible affair. And I have to repeat again: history has shown me without a doubt that any questions I may have had for Andrea would have been met with a lie; they would not have enlightened me to her plans or thoughts, and she likely would have been more secretive.

By the end of December – and after a very uncomfortable catering job we all worked with Jack over Christmas and Christmas Eve at the Tesla battery factory – I concluded that despite the deletion of Jack’s previous texts I need to look once more. So on December 30 2022, after Andrea had gone to bed, I took another look at her texts with Jack on her phone. These went back to November 8th – the first day of texts after the deletion.

[As an aside, and with complete honesty and openness to being judged, I’ll explain my approach to capturing the texts while making sure Andrea wouldn’t have any clue the next morning. So, in this exact order, this is what I did on her phone].

1. See what apps are open, and what was opened last. This was important to leave the phone in a state exactly as it was when I began
2. Make note of which Home Screen the phone was at (again, to end at this Home Screen when I was done)
3. Go to Settings->Control Center
4. Add Video Recording to the Control Center (I otherwise didn’t know how to use VR)
5. Open Messages; open Jack’s messages; go to the start
6. Begin recording
7. Scroll slowly down the text strings, all the way to the present day
8. Stop recording
9. Air drop the recording to my MAC
10. Delete the recording from Photos; then delete the recording from the Photo trash
11. Go to Settings->Control Center
12. Remove Video Recording from the Control Center
13. Swipe away (delete) all apps I used, ending back at the last app Andrea had opened
14. Return to the Home Screen the phone was at originally

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Around the end of October 2022, Britta was trying to text some photos from Mama’s phone to her phone, and was having issues and asked for help (Andrea was there, too). It turns out Andrea had 2 contacts on her phone for Britta (and Niki); one with an Austrian number (that no longer works), one with the US number. Britta was texting to Austria and of course wasn’t receiving the texts.

While I was figuring this out, I glanced quickly (shame on me, I suppose, IF AND ONLY IF reading your wife’s texts is considered invasion of privacy) at the text thread to Jack Lyons (Men Wielding Fire, the catering business Andrea has worked a lot for in 2022). Andrea and Jack had spent a lot of time together in the Fall (waterskiing and catering, as far as I knew; I was never invited to go along waterskiing), and I was simply…curious.

As an aside and a reminder, Andrea can’t be trusted at all. So had I wanted to inquire about Jack, it was literally impossible to trust anything Andrea would have to say.

It turns out that a month earlier Jack had gone on a hike with Andrea and Jill Whisler up Shirley Canyon; at the time Andrea only mentioned that she had hiked with Jill. This immediately brought back memories of her affair with Mike Shipman in 2002-2004 (when Andrea would sometimes tell me [honestly] what she was doing, but leave out the detail of who she would be with). Also interesting in her text string with Jack was her reference to time recently spent with the Silvern’s (Anne and Mark, who is a lawyer) and mentioning birth certificates and…that getting a divorce wouldn’t be a problem!

[The birth certificates is an earlier story. Andrea emailed me in September, asking for official notarized copies of the girls birth certificates and an official notarized copy of our marriage license. She said Rups needed these to open up some investment accounts for the girls. The request didn’t make sense to me – why all that was needed to open investment accounts, even though (I think) Rups has already opened accounts for the girls in years past. But I ordered the forms, and when I received them I (truly) thought I’d do Andrea a favor and mail them immediately to Rups. As I don’t trust Rup’s investment approach – I *think* he is way too conservative – I followed up with an email to Rup’s, saying the forms were in the mail and providing a summary of my investment approach specific to money that the girls have. About 1-2 weeks later Andrea (who had spoken with her Dad, obviously) asked if I had emailed or mailed the forms. I reminded her they needed to be official and notarized, so I had mailed physical copies. Andrea, impatient and frustrated, said that the forms need to be in German and seemed to insinuate that my mailing them was not appreciated. I suggested that there was no way I was aware of to get (in the US) a US Birth Certificate translated into German and still official and notarized. She said she would worry about it. Strange enough, when I told my tennis buddy Rick about it he seemed to think that Andrea had other reasons to want the certificates.]

My mind was spinning on this late October night; I had fixed Britta’s issue, while opening a can of worms. My reaction was curious to me, too. I don’t love Andrea so I wasn’t emotionally effected like I was in 2002 with her affair with Mike Shipman, which emotionally destroyed me; yet it really bothered me – in principle – what was going on behind my back. Especially since I had recently read an article in The Atlantic about a couple that took 13 months to…get a divorce! They were respectful and honest and earnest and wanted to do right by their kids. And here was Andrea – as usual – sneaking around behind my back. Plus, I couldn’t help but wonder…why was Jack a confidant? Was there something more there?

For a few days I was really sad about the prospect of how a divorce would affect the girls and limit my time with them; but the more I pondered it, the less anxious I became. I began to really contemplate if the girls would be better off with divorce than living in a somewhat (I’m not sure to what degree) toxic environment with Andrea and I. I imagined my being able to start a life anew, even at this age, and it felt…liberating.

But I wanted to know more, and the only way to do this was to read Andrea’s texts to Jack….

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