April, 2022

While in Salzburg I had an uncomfortable talk with Annika, which I appreciated none-the-less. She shared how time for her with Andrea and I together was never fun, and that it would be better if she had time with each of us individually. She suggested the same went for Niki & Britta, that the negative energy between Andrea and I was stressful to the girls. Heartbreaking. I should have known this, but was ignoring or avoiding it. Shame on me.

This, of course, concerns me and is something I really want to correct.

Given the deception on Andrea’s role as a Mom during this Salzburg trip, as well as instances of maternal deception going back at least 3 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that things have to change.

Back in 2002, when I realized our marriage was over/failed, I was committed to remaining in the marriage for the sake of Annika. Which is to say, I was committed to working with Andrea to be great parents, even in the absence of being husband and wife.

And I think we were great parents, at least up until Annika entered her teens. And I realize now that this was the easy time; when kids are young they don’t likely notice the intricacies of the husband-wife relationship, plus being a parent is mostly about loving them excessively and unconditionally as well as logistics (play dates, school, sports, and who is driving).

Once they are teenagers, however, they are likely to notice the intricacies of the husband-wife relationship, especially when it is subtlety nasty (don’t tell your Dad this; I don’t know why your Mom did/said that; etc).

This isn’t healthy. My primary conviction going back to 2002 is that Andrea and I could foster a positive environment for the girls to grow up in, even absent any love between the two of us. Now I wonder if that is sustainable/possible, especially as our kids become functioning, observant young adults.

My thought, which I will suggest to Andrea once they return from Salzburg (tonight): we go to a family counselor and, depending on how much they need to know about our failed marriage, we get advice and ideas on how to best maintain a positive environment for the girls while shielding them from the negativity that always seems to underly our failed marriage – if that is even possible.

If it’s not, then for the first time – despite being committed to our family despite this failed marriage for so many years – I’m wondering if divorce is the best option. It goes without saying that divorce is the best option for Andrea and I, as husband and wife. But now it may be the best option as mother and father, for the girls, too.