Mama

As background, here is a short link about my estrangement with Dad, and another link about his life.

Arlene and I converged in Benicia on the day my Dad passed, Friday Nov 5 2021; she came from Denver, I came from Hawaii where we were all on vacation with Jenny and Russell.

Arlene and I were entirely in sync with everything that had to happen after the passing of a parent. The Trust, the finances, contacting friends, planning a ceremony, clearing out the house…we worked very well together.

One of the odd aspects to this time was that you insert yourself wholly into your parent’s life. They are your parent, but they also have lived a life that is private and that you haven’t been privy to. This is especially the case as you read their emails and texts, which you really have to do in order to make sure that everyone (many people you don’t know) is informed of his passing and invited to his ceremony.

The unfortunate dependency of my estrangement with Dad was Andrea; she was (indirectly) partially responsible for the estrangement (it was her rampant deception that overwhelmed my ability to tolerate any deception with my Dad), but also in a position (along with Arlene) to mediate the end of the estrangement. But that would have been too humble (and too humiliating) of Andrea. Little did I know, however, how Andrea was taking an opposite approach and venting to my Dad about me in such mean, horrible and inappropriate ways. For example from 2021:

The lie about Kino in the text above is broken down here.

Or this:

Finally, there was a bank receipt that my Dad kept from January 2018 for $5000 that he gave to Andrea. Confused, I asked Andrea about it:

The only problem with this is that I paid for the flights to Europe in 2018. So….was Andrea like Mam, extorting money from Dad? This wouldn’t surprise me.

Last week (Dec 5th) I met Bob Wright for dinner. He is interested in doing a supported one week dirt bike ride down the length of Baja Mexico, April 23-30. It sounds like a really fun trip; I know that Andrea will be done with work and the girls done with nordic, so my leaving wouldn’t create that much work for Andrea (all the logistical necessities of having kids).

That night I ask Andrea if she would be OK with my leaving. She says that she (she does not mention the girls) was intending to go to Austria for the ski trip to Lech (see here for that story in 2022) around that same time. You see the difference: before deciding on a trip, I check with Andrea. Andrea simply plans a trip, no coordination.

But, of course, it’s worse.

Andrea didn’t mention the girls at all with respect to her trip to Austria. So I asked if she could make it back by the 23rd, then we could make both our trips work. She simply replied “I can work it out”.

Today (Dec 12th) I learn from the girls that Andrea was already talking to them about Austria around the end of April & start of May. Their plan was to be there for the Lech ski trip; for Inga’s birthday; for May Day. Etc.

The best guess at Andrea’s thinking when I brought up the potential Moto trip: While she had been assuming that I would want to come along on any April/May Austria trip, now she saw an opportunity to make the Austria trip work without me. Otherwise, when she mentioned Lech she also would have mentioned the girls coming to Austria as well – which might have meant I’d not go to Baja, but instead to Austria.

Our married life has been one constant challenge, and numerous failures. I learned in 2002 not to trust Andrea with my emotional well being. I learned in 2012 not to trust her at all. I learned in 2016 not to trust her with our money. But all along I assumed and hoped that for the sake of our daughters she would be honest about all things parenting. I’ve written numerous posts about how this isn’t true, this is simply another.

The looming question: would the girls be better off if we were to divorce? For a long time I didn’t want to break up our marriage as I didn’t want there to be a single day that I didn’t see the girls each morning and each night; selfish needs for sure, but I thought the environment we had created for the girls was healthy and positive. I’m no longer sure of that, and just a few weeks ago when I indirectly learned that Andrea was pursuing a divorce I contemplated life as a divorcee, not seeing the girls every morning and evening, and…it was ok. Maybe that would be best for us all.

Thursday, Oct 13.

4:15   Andrea and the girls arrive home
4:30  Andrea leaves to see Marti at the HOA beach; she says she’ll be home in ~90 minutes
6:30  Andrea texts, says she’ll be home in 30 minutes
7:15   The girls are hungry; Andrea had asked me earlier in the day to take out some hamburger, but I’m not sure what her plan was. I throw together some pasta and fish sticks
7:45   Andrea arrives home; girls are having dinner. She tells a few details of her evening at the beach with Marti
8:30   The girls are in bed. I mention to Andrea that I wasn’t sure what her plans were for making dinner – thinking she might correct me, and note that I had mis-understood, that she wasn’t expecting to be home for dinner and so was expecting me to make dinner. No response. I say “I was caught off guard so just made some quick pasta and fish sticks”. “Hmmm”, she says. And goes downstairs.

While in Salzburg I had an uncomfortable talk with Annika, which I appreciated none-the-less. She shared how time for her with Andrea and I together was never fun, and that it would be better if she had time with each of us individually. She suggested the same went for Niki & Britta, that the negative energy between Andrea and I was stressful to the girls. Heartbreaking. I should have known this, but was ignoring or avoiding it. Shame on me.

This, of course, concerns me and is something I really want to correct.

Given the deception on Andrea’s role as a Mom during this Salzburg trip, as well as instances of maternal deception going back at least 3 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that things have to change.

Back in 2002, when I realized our marriage was over/failed, I was committed to remaining in the marriage for the sake of Annika. Which is to say, I was committed to working with Andrea to be great parents, even in the absence of being husband and wife.

And I think we were great parents, at least up until Annika entered her teens. And I realize now that this was the easy time; when kids are young they don’t likely notice the intricacies of the husband-wife relationship, plus being a parent is mostly about loving them excessively and unconditionally as well as logistics (play dates, school, sports, and who is driving).

Once they are teenagers, however, they are likely to notice the intricacies of the husband-wife relationship, especially when it is subtlety nasty (don’t tell your Dad this; I don’t know why your Mom did/said that; etc).

This isn’t healthy. My primary conviction going back to 2002 is that Andrea and I could foster a positive environment for the girls to grow up in, even absent any love between the two of us. Now I wonder if that is sustainable/possible, especially as our kids become functioning, observant young adults.

My thought, which I will suggest to Andrea once they return from Salzburg (tonight): we go to a family counselor and, depending on how much they need to know about our failed marriage, we get advice and ideas on how to best maintain a positive environment for the girls while shielding them from the negativity that always seems to underly our failed marriage – if that is even possible.

If it’s not, then for the first time – despite being committed to our family despite this failed marriage for so many years – I’m wondering if divorce is the best option. It goes without saying that divorce is the best option for Andrea and I, as husband and wife. But now it may be the best option as mother and father, for the girls, too.

On March 1st (although the tickets were actually purchased Feb 10), just a few days before Niki & Britta were to leave for Junior Nationals, Andrea announced at the dinner table that she had bought airline tickets to Salzburg for her, Niki & Britta, leaving on March 22nd and returning April 14. Two weeks prior Andrea had asked me about traveling with Niki & Britta to Salzburg to see Annika, and while I encouraged her to go I suggested we wait until after Junior Nationals to decide if, when, and for how long Niki & Britta should go (my main concern being missed/remote school, and them being bored in Austria since Annika and all their friends would be in school). Thus her airline purchase – without coordinating with either me or Niki & Britta – felt impulsive, but that’s not uncommon.

Now that we are in Salzburg, I have a better idea as to Andrea’s impulse to travel at this time. It is about Andrea.

Just prior to leaving for Salzburg Andrea warned me that her parents wanted to take Niki & Britta for a ski trip; she didn’t provide details (when and how long, in particular) but I supported the idea for the same reason that I’ve always supported summer’s in Europe: Niki & Britta would value quality time with their grandparents, who they truly enjoy spending time with. It’s an investment, where I pay the cost and they reap the dividends – fair enough.

While speaking of skiing, I asked Andrea if I should bring ski’s; I wasn’t sure if or how often we might ski. Andrea guessed that we might ski only one day, and that I could rent ski’s versus bring them over for that one day of skiing.

Well…

We’ve been in Salzburg for 8 days, and I’ve now learned that Andrea intends to leave – alone – in two days to ski with friends for a week in Lech (Saturday through Saturday). Two points come to mind:

1. Whereas I assumed Inge and Rups had initiated the goal of a ski trip with Niki & Britta, it’s very (very) likely that Andrea initiated the idea since she wanted Inge and Rups to entertain Niki & Britta while she was away on her ski trip, and a separate ski trip for the girls with their grandparents sounded more fun than hanging out in Salzburg. However, now that we are here I know that Rups and Inge would rather not ski for a week [neither had yet to ski at all this season prior to our arrival], and in fact they had not made any reservations for any trip which is entirely unlike them. Inge has a significant bunion on her foot, so getting a ski boot on is nearly impossible. Rup’s is generally interested to ski, but he has no interest in driving to any resort (especially with the weather being bad the entire week) and admits that he would likely only ski for ~2 hours a day – possibly with days off – simply due to stamina, which is understandable.

2. I’m not included in either plan.  All the plans and intentions hide in the shadows, Andrea not being forthcoming. Although deception plays a role as well; after all, Andrea indicated we would likely only ski a single day during the entire trip to Salzburg.

This isn’t the first time during this trip that I’ve implicitly not been invited. The first concerned an afternoon Sekt with the upstairs-Andrea, the second was a backcountry ski with Christine Krone (Wild Cherry’s). In both cases I wasn’t offended, as I knew Andrea (as well as Andrea and Christine) would enjoy their time more without me being there.

When I finally learned the full details of her ski trip (2 days before she is to depart), I asked Andrea if I could come along (let’s be sure this much is clear: I had to explicitly ask my wife if I could go with her on a planned one week ski trip with friends that I only learned of last minute, or otherwise be stranded alone in Salzburg). Andrea explained that there’s no room for me to stay, but that I could stay at a Youth Hostel in Lech. It’s not accurate to say she needed to ameliorate her guilt, since Andrea is impervious to guilt, but lets say to “save face” Andrea asserted that the Youth Hostel was likely nicer and cheaper than staying in the house with her and her friends.

Since Niki & Britta’s plans were still in limbo, I opted to stay. In fact, hours after my decision to forgo a solo ski trip in a youth hostel, the ski plans with Niki, Britta, Inge and Rups were scuttled entirely. At dinner Niki asked what they would do all week while Andrea is gone – the girls haven’t been successful in arranging time with friends, due to their friends being in school – and Andrea didn’t have an answer. Impulsively Andrea suggested we go into town (which ended up not being really eventful for the girls), as if Niki’s question was reduced to “what are we going to do right now?”.

Niki’s question made me I realize that we are all excluded from Andrea’s plans, and that she wasn’t any more forthcoming to the girls as she was to me. It should have been obvious to Andrea before leaving Tahoe that Niki & Britta would have a lot of free time (with all their friends in school and busy with their normal routines); the entire family (to include Mimi & Opa) could have gone on a 5-7 day ski trip and had a great time. But earlier in the year, when she learned her Stuttgart friend had a single bed available for a week long ski trip to Lech/Arlberg, our fates were sealed.

What’s inexplicable of me is that this sort of behavior from Andrea – selfish, rude, disrespectful, lacking grace, etc – is very typical of Andrea yet it still leaves me speechless. One would think I would acclimate.

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Update. It gets a little worse.

To recap the original Salzburg travel plans:

The girls left for Salzburg on March 22nd, and were to return on April 13.

I left for Salzburg on March 23rd, and was to return on April 16.

Once Andrea knew of my later return plans (and while we were still in Tahoe) she looked at extending their return, but she said it was too expensive.

On Sunday April 3rd, while Andrea was away in Lech skiing with friends, I let Andrea know that I had changed my return to April 10th:

Before leaving Salzburg, saying goodbye to the girls, I mentioned (with Andrea present) “I will see you in 4 days!”. On Sunday April 10th, after arriving home, Andrea texts me.

Let’s review: Andrea made her flight arrangements (on Feb 10, but didn’t tell us until March 1), then (at some point) changed her return flight but didn’t tell me. Then, only once I’ve left Austria, she tells me with this odd mention that “My parents just told me they they think you did not know”. Andrea KNEW she hadn’t told me of the change, she KNEW I was assuming they were still returning on April 13, and yet she says this? She knows I didn’t know of the change, she doesn’t need her parents to inform her of that.

So the consistent withholding of information is problematic. But even more, the girls will now be missing 2 more days of school – something I would have rather avoided.

I’ve talked of this before, but this is the first time Andrea has done this to the girls, which is…uncomfortable.

Saturday, November 27. Andrea is working, Niki & Britta have Alice over for a play date, and they have Devo practice in the afternoon. On the way home from Devo I thought it would be nice for Andrea to not have to worry about dinner, so as a surprise I bought some ribs to cook.

[The winter season is literally only a few days old, and the usual pattern has already emerged: we are never quite certain when Andrea will be home, and she’s not good about providing clues to that end. Also, we never have dinner conversations in the morning; Andrea doesn’t like to plan a few hours out, and usually doesn’t like it when I try to plan a little. So each evening is entirely…unknown.]

Anyway, it’s 5:00pm, Niki & Britta are hungry, the ribs take about 50 mins so I start them (assuming Andrea will be home very soon) and give the girls an appetizer. By 6pm the ribs are ready and no sign of Andrea, so we eat. Ribs are delicious, but Niki & Britta are concerned that something has happened to Andrea. I try to ease their mind, explaining that she may have had a busy day and/or she was having a beer with her co-workers, and I suggest they text her which they do. Andrea mentioned on Friday that someone was hurt badly by a runaway snowboard, so I’m sure that was worrying Niki & Britta as well. The text strings are below – first mine, then the girls, but the general order is this:

4:49 Andrea texts me, saying she will be leaving in 30 mins. However, I don’t see this text until 6:40.
6:14 Girls text Andrea, asking if she’s OK and where she is
6:15 Andrea replies to the girls, saying she will be home in 30 mins. This is 86 minutes after telling me she will be home in 30 mins
6:40 I reply to Andrea’s text
6:40 Andrea replies to me, saying she will be home in 15
6:40 Andrea sends the girls a picture; she is at Tyler’s house
7:09 Girls ask if she is drunk, as the picture is fuzzy. Andrea doesn’t reply. It’s now 54 minutes since Andrea told the girls that she would be home in 30 mins
7:37 Andrea comes home, about 2 hours after she originally said she would be home, and 52 minutes after she told the girls she will be home

Here’s what is inconsiderate: At no time does Andrea say “I’ll be late, why don’t you (or have Papa) make some dinner”. She doesn’t have any idea – and never asks – if I am doing something for the girls for dinner. Rather she starts the text chain suggesting she’ll be home soon, which isn’t true. When she does arrive home and Niki & Britta explain how they were worried, she doesn’t take responsibility for causing their concern. She doesn’t apologize for being late, or for confusing our dinner plans. Nothing. She also doesn’t eat anything; did she actually have dinner somewhere else? Dunno.

Now, I’ve been on the receiving end of this behavior for years (literally, over 20 years). But as far as I recall, this is the first time she has exposed the girls to it. Just…unfortunate. And inconsiderate.

On Friday, May 14 Kino completely and inexplicably suddenly lost control of his rear legs. Since Burton Creek vet in Tahoe City was closed Andrea and Annika took Kino to the Donner-Truckee Vet Hospital in Truckee.

After I dropped Niki & Britta off at school, I met Andrea at the Truckee vet.

After taking a look the vet suspected that Kino had suffered a spinal stroke, but they didn’t have the equipment (CT, etc) to treat him further so they recommended we go to Reno at the Sierra Vet Specialists & Emergency Center.

We decided that Andrea would take Kino to Reno (we didn’t know how long that would take), and I’d take Annika back home as she had things to do. Also, I needed to pick up Niki & Britta after school for their first COVID-19 shot.

Around noon Andrea texts me to say they are putting Kino out to take some tests, and they recommended that Andrea go home. I recommended she stay until she knows what they might find; at this point we aren’t thinking that he will be spending the night in Reno. Eventually, they confirm a spinal stroke but ask to keep him overnight; Andrea comes home.

The weekend was going to be busy; Niki & Britta have a weekend soccer tournament in Carson City (we have hotel reservations to stay overnight on Saturday), and Andrea has work catering on Saturday, also in Carson City. Thus we take two cars to Carson City, expecting/hoping that one of us will eventually pick up Kino while the other stay with Niki & Britta and their soccer tournament. At 4:34 Andrea asks me to call the Vet; I do, and the nurse agrees that it’s OK for us to pick up Kino so the plan is that we will pick him up around 7 (Reno is about 30 minutes north of Carson City). I call Andrea instead of texting her, to explain all this; Andrea is worried about Kino and so volunteers to get out of catering early, and to pick him up that night. So Andrea finishes with catering, comes by the soccer field to briefly see Niki & Britta, and quickly leaves for Reno as she would like to pick him up. Niki & Britta and I check in to our hotel, and I text Andrea the address. Andrea makes it back with Kino to Carson City around 9PM; she has driven the bus, and since Kino still can’t walk she wants to sleep in the bus with him.

On Sunday Niki & Britta finish their soccer tournament. We all return home, and Kino is improving a lot and starting to walk more on his own. On Monday we all together bring Kino to see Buckton, the vet in Tahoe City. (This is when his anal gland tumor is found). On Tuesday he is swimming in the lake again. On Thursday Andrea takes him back to Reno, while Niki, Britta and I are at their track meet in Carson City.

On Friday (5/21), a week after this started, I write a check to reimburse Andrea for the total cost of the Reno bill for the previous weekend.

In June I will spend another $4,498 on the surgery to remove a tumor from his anal gland; and in October/November, another $5,494 to remove his cancerous lymph nodes.

But that’s irrelevant to this story.

I assume the impression one might get after reading the above text and screenshots is that Andrea and I were balancing the juggling act of family commitments (school, shots, extra curricular activities) along with a pet emergency – working in unison to work it all out.

However, in November I stumble upon (owing to my Dad’s passing) this text Andrea sent to my Dad on Saturday May 15th at 6:57 – the night that I am in Carson City with Niki & Britta at their soccer tournament, while Andrea is (per her preference) picking up Kino from the Reno vet.

It’s equally sad and depressing: the complete fabrication of Andrea’s story, and my Dad going along with it.

It’s happened on more occasions than I can count, and while it aligns with my pondering on attachment theory and narcissistic personality disorder, it’s still unsettling.

On Winter Solstice 2020, when the “Christmas Star” of Jupiter and Saturn were visually closer to each other than they have been in 400 years (a minor event I wanted to share with Niki & Britta), I was…home alone. Niki & Britta had ski team that day (a Monday), and the plan was for them to go to Emma’s house after skiing. That’s all good. The only update I received from Andrea was at 3:08.

Texts from Ann (at 3:15 and 4:54) included pictures of the girls baking and decorating cookies – I knew they were enjoying themselves. At this point I was assuming (always bad on my part) the girls will be home around 6:30-7:00, and I began to think of some dinner ideas.

At 9PM the girls arrive home exhausted and tired and happy, which is good to see. Andrea doesn’t offer a word – not an explanation for the lack of a status update, that they have already eaten dinner…essentially an explanation for why an after ski get together turned into an all evening affair.

Now, I could have initiated texts to Andrea asking for a status, but I expected any updates to be vague (“We will be leaving soon”) and likely inaccurate. Plus I’d argue the onus should not fall on me to find out how their plans are playing out. Once they are home I know it’s useless to broach the subject with Andrea – asking, for example, why she didn’t keep me updated on what’s going on – because this lack of consideration just doesn’t register on Andrea’s radar. Consideration, for Andrea, is superfluous. I have enough experience in this regard, having been on the receiving end of many evenings like this, that I shrug my shoulders and commit to the goal to continue to strive for the high road.

The good news, I suppose, is that the girls seem to be insulated from the complete lack of grace on Andrea’s part; they were with a friend and having fun, as it should be. As they grow older they will likely notice these facets of their Mom’s personality, but they will be in a better position to process these observations.

Still, even then, I can’t help but think it will be just as unsettling for them.

An excerpt from an article about NPD (inspired by the Trump phenomenon).

1) It’s not curable and it’s barely treatable.

2) They will say whatever feels most comfortable or good to themselves at any given time. They will lie a lot, and say totally different things to different people. They won’t care.

3) They can be influenced by making them feel good.

4) Entitlement is a key aspect of the disorder; will likely not observe traditional boundaries; rules don’t apply to them.

5) They only care about themselves and those they view as extensions, like children. People with NPD often can’t understand others as fully human or distinct. They will have no qualms *at all* about stealing everything they can; they won’t view it as stealing but rather as something they are entitled to do.

6) It’s very, very confusing for non-disordered people to experience a disordered person with NPD. While often intelligent, charismatic and charming, they do not reliably observe social conventions or demonstrate basic human empathy.

7) People with NPD often foster competition for sport in people they control; they will probably behave worst toward those closest to them.

9) Whenever possible, do not focus on the narcissist or give them attention.

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Symptoms (my view):
1. Deceitful, absent any guilt or remorse
2. Has trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism
3. Lack (or even absence) of empathy and remorse
4. Relationships are unfulfilling (therefore no external dependencies)
5. Impulsive
6. Dreamer (“love of life with no regard for the consequences”)
7. Envious of other’s experiences (things they do, things they have)
8. Poor relationships (lack of intensity), possibly unable to relate to others
9. Extremely comfortable being alone
10. Refuses to take responsibility for her actions
11. Highly manipulative

What she is not:
1. Depressed
2. Abusive (drug or alcohol)
3. Dependent on recognition
4. Arrogant (does not require or desire acknowledgment from others)
5. Violent, abusive, or hostile
6. Paranoid
7. Moody
8. Anxious

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psychopath – eerie detachment from emotion, lack of conscience or remorse, glibness, and comfort and pride in breaking with laws and social conventions.

narcissist – an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.

Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonize, manipulate or treat others harshly or with callous indifference. They show no guilt or remorse for their behavior.

Researchers have linked cold blooded behaviors to low levels of cortisol and below-normal function in the amygdala, the portion of the brain that processes fear and other aversive social emotions, like shame.

Magnetic resonance imaging on the brains of adult psychopaths has shown what appear to be significant anatomical differences: a smaller subgenual cortex and a 5 to 10 percent reduction in brain density in portions of the paralimbic system, regions of the brain associated with empathy and social values, and active in moral decision making.

Grandiose narcissists truly believe in their own greatness; they may share the larger “Dark Triad” traits, along with so-called “Machiavellianism” (manipulativeness) and psychopathy (lack of remorse and empathy).

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Examples of deception (or simply being silent), big and small:

1. June, 2002 – Sept 2004 – boatloads.
2. Oct 2015 – impulsively buys a $2000 mtn bike (with a check) after getting her hair cut; doesn’t mention it to me
3. Jan 2017 – via a tax statement I learn that she received $8,131 in unemployment benefits for 2016; I had no clue. Her response (verbatim): “I payed it into the apartment in Salzburg and used it for our time in Germany and Christmas presents”. No apology or even faked remorse.
4. Nov 2015 – she wants a christmas gift from H&M for the girls; she complains that a gift card we have can’t be used online. I offer to go to H&M when I am in San Jose for work that next week. She doesn’t respond; I later learn she went ahead and bought it online.
5. Apr 2015 – Neighbors, who I had asked to watch the cats while we were away, call to ask if someone else is watching the cats. I ask Andrea, she has no idea. Later that day Robyn replies to Andrea via a text to say she will stop caring for the cats

Examples of lack of remorse or empathy or consideration:

1. Putting hot plates of food out on the dinner table; girls grab or touch it and burn themselves. She lightly admonishes them for touching a hot plate (how would they know it’s hot??)
2. Dec 2016. Birgit is dealing with cancer, and Andrea has very little information. I look up flights for January and see that they are cheap; I suggest she go to Germany for a week to support her family. She literally does not respond, as if I hadn’t spoken. She stops talking about Birgit from that day forward.
3. She invites literally anyone to come visit us in Salzburg as we plan to live there for a year; one couple takes her up and plans a European trip (buying plane tickets for 5). As the timeframe approaches Andrea discourages them from visiting Salzburg; too much work on her end (her words).
4. When I snore in bed at night, she will hit me in the groin to stop me from snoring.
5. When she leaves the house, she will turn the heat down to 50 (or lower) – regardless if I am still at the house.
6.

Our year in Salzburg is highlighting the realities of our parenting approach – for better or worse.

The huge difference between Salzburg and Tahoe is that, in Tahoe, Annika has school until 2:30 and then depending on the day she has an afternoon activity (ballet, gym, soccer, skiing, etc) as well. What this often meant is that everyone would leave at ~8:00am, and I wouldn’t see them again until possibly as late as 5:00pm (the twins, who had not yet started school, were always along for the ride). Our time together as a family during the week then was brief, and the twins were still young enough to not be that independent.

In Salzburg it’s quite different. Annika is out of school and home by 1 (some day’s its 12); twins are out at 12:15. For the first few months I took advantage of this by being home when they returned from school. But by December it became obvious to me that this approach was failing: Andrea and I are just not in sync when it comes to parenting, and so the girls would simply get irritated with me and gravitate towards their Mom (this was exacerbated by the fact that I can’t help Annika with her German homework, which has extended to me not helping her with any homework).

Let me explain.

I am the stricter of the two parents (Andrea agrees with this); I have no problem saying “No”, whereas Andrea (by her own admission) has trouble. (Part of me wonders if this is due to Andrea’s chosen parental role model being her Omi versus her Mother, but that likely simplifies things too much). In an ideal situation (in my opinion) parents act as a single cohesive unit: if one says “No” first, the other supports that. Or if one says “Yes” first, the other supports that. The ideal is in melding the two parents together into one, so that (hopefully) any strict and lenient patterns are moderated, and as far as the children are concerned both parents operate on the same plane.

Andrea doesn’t support this model (when I told her in December that I would start spending the entire work day at cisco due to our lack of sync, she replied [seriously] that this would be better for them); one might call it dictatorial, but basically what Andrea says, goes.

And it does not take long for the girls to pick up on the path of least resistance.

So, for example, if one of the girls hasn’t eaten their dinner, and they ask for ice cream, I will say no and explain why. Andrea will:

1. Give them ice cream anyway (yes, she has done this)

2. Unilaterally give them some other replacement treat instead – as if I meant “no ice cream, but anything else is fine” (yes, she has done this)

At no time will she say “You heard your father” – literally never.

Replace “ice cream” with “homework” or “no television” or “no iPad” and you get the picture. Plus, for reasons I can’t explain, it seems like Andrea is even more accommodating here than in Tahoe. Late for school but the twins demand to ride the bike? No problem. Breakfast served for them every single morning? Coming right up. Chocolate/sweet’s? Of course you can (a majority of their breakfasts are crepe’s with chocolate Nutella; an afternoon chocolate treat or cake is normal; and, of course, ice cream every single night of the week)!

By December I realized the situation was hopeless; the girls avoided me when it came to asking for something (best case), or yelled at my being mean (worst case). It was disheartening to realize at the beginning of January that I had to minimize my time with them – I couldn’t spoil them entirely, and Andrea showed no interest in coordinating our parenting.

Here is where I fear the cost comes into play. I’m not the perfect parent, but I have my strengths; same certainly goes for Andrea. But when the parenting is singular, any moderation is lost – the strengths of the absent parent are lost, the weaknesses of the active parent become exaggerated. So, for example, Andrea is not an organized person; this where I could help out. As dinner winds down I could step up, remind the girls bed time is approaching, communicate the expectation over time that they should go to the bathroom, wash their hands, and brush their teeth by themselves. In bed with 20 minutes to spare for reading or talking.

Instead, I check out; I literally check out. I go into the kitchen and clean the dishes, etc. Let’s say it’s 7:15 – realistically a great time for 5 year old’s to be nearly in bed and reading books. But Andrea has to pick up Annika at gymnastics, and Niki doesn’t want me to put her to bed (or brush her teeth), and rather than push back Andrea suggests that Niki come with her – now it’s 8:00 when they get home. Andrea (as she is solo) now has to deal with Annika, Niki, and Britta all at the same time. No problem…8:30 and they are in the bedroom playing a game. And chances are very good that the next day the twins will be grumpy, and Andrea will make excuses for them that they are tired – without back tracking to figure out who is responsible for that?

In the end, it is the effect this has on Niki that I fear the most.

Annika is such a sweetheart – full of empathy beyond her years, and it’s not in her nature to take advantage of her situation.

Britta really wants to please; the extent of her selfishness lies in her making you happy, meeting your expectations (Annika is sensitive to meeting expectations as well).

Niki is a wonderful, adventurous, and carefree little girl who likes to stir things up. That’s fine – with boundaries. Right now Niki essentially has none. She gets what she wants, when she wants it. One memory that sticks out is when Niki didn’t eat any dinner – nothing. She asked for ice cream; Andrea started the negotiations low (eat 4 bites of pasta) any quickly went lower (you can have a cookie, but no ice cream). This did not go on for a long time…easily within 5 minutes Niki had her bowl of ice cream.

Or, no penalty. Niki and Britta watching TV, and Niki pulls Britta’s hair, causing her to cry. Is Niki sent to her room? Not allowed to watch any more TV? Nope; just an apology is all that’s required). There are never any real consequences.

What positive lesson can Niki possibly take away from these types of experiences?

Andrea adores Niki’s adventurous and carefree spirit, and doesn’t want to reign that in at all. But I can’t help but feel this is a problem being nurtured.

I hope not, obviously; Niki still has moments of sweetness about her. But when there is only a single parent in the house…