My estrangement with Dad

In March 2015 Dad had knee replacement surgery; this was his second knee. The first knee replacement surgery a year prior had gone so well that Dad decided to do the second, too. Arlene spent the first 2 weeks with him post surgery while he mended, I spent the next 2. It was during this time that I learned about Mam, a younger (married) woman from Thailand who was working Dad for money (she had a gambling addiction).

Dad’s hearing wasn’t that great, so he would have private (but loud) phone calls with Mam, usually about money that she needed/wanted. One phone call was about how she had withdrawn money from his bank account (he had given her his bank card) which caused his property tax checks to bounce. Another was my Dad pleading with Mam that she must know how much he loves her since he has given her…over $100,000! I had to login to his Vanguard account too confirm that, and it was unfortunately true.

Near the end of my 2 weeks I confronted Dad about it, and he denied everything. I explained that I empathized with his being lonely and wanting a partner, but that he was being taken advantage of and coming out the fool. He was adamant that nothing was amiss. I left, so disappointed and truly disturbed about his lying.

A few weeks later Arlene had a heart to heart talk with him, but nothing really came of it. No apologies from Dad (not for his actions – that’s his business – but for his dishonesty). In June 2015 Dad and I went to an A’s game for Father’s Day. I honestly did not want to go, but had already bought the tickets. We rode BART to the coliseum, and it was crowded so Dad sat in a seat while I stood a few rows away. He received a call from Mam, who seemed irritate that she could not find the money Dad had left her at his house. He explained loudly (for all to hear) that the money was under the utensil tray in the top drawer.

This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

With a handful of exceptions, I never spoke again with Dad after that game. I had to tolerate deceptions at home with Andrea, and I had no appetite to participate in another dysfunctional relationship with my Dad. I’ve mentioned elsewhere how he was predominantly an absent Dad and Grandfather while we lived in Tahoe:

– During the 24 years we lived in Tahoe before his passing, he visited only 5 times: twice were due to me asking him for assistance around the house (he never hesitated if you asked for help working with his hands); once was at Christmas when he had no other plans; once was with Arlene when Andrea and I were away riding bikes in Oregon; and the last time was just for a day at Annika’s High School graduation.

Over the years when I mentioned we would be in the Bay Area, he aways expressed interest in seeing us – but it was still slightly indifferent. As if, “great” if you make it and “I understand” if you don’t. When Annika was very young I appreciated his flexibility and lack of pressure, but after a while I wondered how badly he wanted to see any of us. This feeling was exacerbated when I learned, years later, how often he and Joanne would cruise up to Reno for a night. He never – not once – called and suggested meeting in Truckee, or in Reno, for a meal or to see his grand daughters.

Dad passed away on Nov 5th, 2021.