All aboard this pity trip

April 24th, 2019 Posted by Papa

Some times, most of the time really, it seems like the roll of a Dad is to simply give, provide, sacrifice, tolerate. There is very little in return, other than the implicit unintentional feel good moments (being happy because they are happy, successful because they are successful). As the girls get older this required output only seems to increase…

To some degree this is also true for the Mom (give, provide, sacrifice, tolerate), although in many cases (our’s, certainly) the Mom is not the primary money maker (way less to give and provide) and, for maternal connections I assume, Mom’s seem to get more physical feedback than Dad’s (Annika was hugging Andrea last night, from behind as they looked at something on the phone; I don’t even recall the last time I received a hug, kiss, or even touch from Annika).

I’ve noticed a pattern (maybe I’ve written about it already) where this negative (or absent) feedback system (ROI) can temporarily steer me into emotional valley’s where I think to myself “What the hell is in this for me?”. Today is a culmination of my current journey. To wit:

– We are trying to prepare for a 1 year move to Austria; financially this is mildly stressful, not only in sorting out the work details (starting with an approval to move) but also figuring out how to manage the rental houses (which grossed over $130K last year) from another continent. No one, Andrea in particular, has expressed even the slightest interest, concern, or curiosity about such details. I’m on my own.

– Each summer I sacrifice ~7 weeks of time with my daughters so that they can go to Europe and immerse themselves in the language, the culture, and their grandparents. It’s a worthy sacrifice but one that has always gone unacknowledged by all. So imagine my reaction when, this year, I ask about a short trip to Denver (with a continuation to Germany) to see my family. Here is their sacrifice:

  1. Andrea needs to leave the US by July 8, so that she can make the annual family trip to Lech (us going to Austria for 1 year does not mean she is willing to miss the trip to Lech). Even though Annika doesn’t want to go to Lech (she wants to stay home and have some time with friends before leaving for a year), and even though the pets can’t be transported until Aug 1 (which is when Andrea’s house is available), Andrea must leave the US by July 8. No questions, no sacrifice.
  2. This means a short trip to Denver would overlap July 4th. Annika, Niki and Britta want to be in Tahoe over the 4th. No questions, no sacrifice.
  3. Andrea doesn’t even want to go to Denver, so she wants to figure out a way out of it for her. In fact her suggestions were they (my Mom, Arlene, David, Ethan, Sara, Tevin, and Ashton) come to Tahoe. Or that we go for a weekend in May or June, even though there is no free weekend in May or June. No questions, no sacrifice.
So Denver is out of the question for my 4 princesses.
– 2 weeks ago was Spring Break; we had camping reservations in Doheney (a ~10 hour drive) which everyone was looking forward to. Ideally, in my mind, we leave Friday right after school and return the following Sunday, enjoying 9 days at the beach. However, the first weekend of Spring Break was also the end of ski team, which Annika, Niki and Britta really want to attend. This is the same ski team that results in my not seeing the girls every winter weekend, most of Christmas break, and all of ski/skate week. The girls suggest I simply hang out that weekend (wasting 2 of my vacation days), essentially waiting for them. Instead I drive down to SoCal Friday, and spend 2 days at the beach with the dogs on my family vacation. Why did I drive down alone? Because we needed to take 2 cars to get everything (bikes, surf boards, camping gear, dogs) down there. We also need to bring a tent which I alone sleep in for the week because the Westy, which no one wants to sell, doesn’t sleep 5 people. Plus, we have to leave Doheney on Friday as the twins have a soccer tournament the 2nd weekend of Spring Break. So those 9 days of vacation at the beach became 4.5 days of family time at the beach.
The twins can’t assume much responsibility for my Pity train ride, but Annika and Andrea…?
When Annika was young, friends who had teenage daughters all told me the same thing (which I found unbelievable at the time): they were either ambivalent about their daughter leaving home, or even worse they were happily anticipating it. Flash forward a few years and…I sorta feel the same way. Now that Annika drives I rarely see her, rarely am appreciated or even acknowledged by her, and essentially never have quality time together. It’s the transition of a relationship that was so integral to me that I never saw coming.
I’ll make it out of this valley – usually with the help of good friends, where I do feel appreciated – but it’s still such a bummer. I thought the positive energy of family life would be sustainable, but it’s more of a fleeting resource than I had hoped.

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