How to cure a perfectionist

Not sure where it comes from, but Annika will hammer herself hard when she doesn’t meet her own expectations; she’ll be left to fits, even in public; but, after some requisite tantrums, she’ll generally begin a plan to correct any deficiencies. Two cases in point.

Annika has learned the game of hangman, and wants to play one night. She goes first, with the expression “I love you” which brings a smile to my face. I go next, with the single word “ballet”. While guessing I remind her (to be generous) that the hanging man will have ears and a face. However, once the typical hangman is in place without Annika knowing the word, she runs to our bedroom and throws the most amazing fit. However, unlike most fits (“I hate [fill in the blank with the name of a family member]”), she is absolutely berating herself. I try to console her, but it’s pointless. It takes her at least 15 minutes to settle down, after which we continue playing later that night and she does really well.

Tennis. Annika has taken lessons in the past, but it’s been 2 years since she hit any balls. A coach is putting on a one time one hour free clinic after school; Annika is a bit late (which is another problem she has, likely handed down from me, is that she really hates to be late). She’s doesn’t even give herself the opportunity to fail; she’s immediately hesitant, doesn’t want to participate, has to be almost coerced to get in line. Finally she tries to hit a few balls being thrown to her, she mishits the first one and runs away just hysterical, in front of 20 kids she both knows and doesn’t know. She can’t be calmed down, so we eventually leave.

The lesson is two-fold: we need to figure out how to teach her to lighten up, but in the event this is hard coded in her DNA we need to be careful about setting her up to fail at new activities (like not using a difficult word like “ballet”, or hitting some tennis balls with her alone before she goes off to a first lesson). Pampering?….I dunno, but I want to see her succeed and be happy…