Thoughts from the Trifecta

Our year in Salzburg is highlighting the realities of our parenting approach – for better or worse.

The huge difference between Salzburg and Tahoe is that, in Tahoe, Annika has school until 2:30 and then depending on the day she has an afternoon activity (ballet, gym, soccer, skiing, etc) as well. What this often meant is that everyone would leave at ~8:00am, and I wouldn’t see them again until possibly as late as 5:00pm (the twins, who had not yet started school, were always along for the ride). Our time together as a family during the week then was brief, and the twins were still young enough to not be that independent.

In Salzburg it’s quite different. Annika is out of school and home by 1 (some day’s its 12); twins are out at 12:15. For the first few months I took advantage of this by being home when they returned from school. But by December it became obvious to me that this approach was failing: Andrea and I are just not in sync when it comes to parenting, and so the girls would simply get irritated with me and gravitate towards their Mom (this was exacerbated by the fact that I can’t help Annika with her German homework, which has extended to me not helping her with any homework).

Let me explain.

I am the stricter of the two parents (Andrea agrees with this); I have no problem saying “No”, whereas Andrea (by her own admission) has trouble. (Part of me wonders if this is due to Andrea’s chosen parental role model being her Omi versus her Mother, but that likely simplifies things too much). In an ideal situation (in my opinion) parents act as a single cohesive unit: if one says “No” first, the other supports that. Or if one says “Yes” first, the other supports that. The ideal is in melding the two parents together into one, so that (hopefully) any strict and lenient patterns are moderated, and as far as the children are concerned both parents operate on the same plane.

Andrea doesn’t support this model (when I told her in December that I would start spending the entire work day at cisco due to our lack of sync, she replied [seriously] that this would be better for them); one might call it dictatorial, but basically what Andrea says, goes.

And it does not take long for the girls to pick up on the path of least resistance.

So, for example, if one of the girls hasn’t eaten their dinner, and they ask for ice cream, I will say no and explain why. Andrea will:

1. Give them ice cream anyway (yes, she has done this)

2. Unilaterally give them some other replacement treat instead – as if I meant “no ice cream, but anything else is fine” (yes, she has done this)

At no time will she say “You heard your father” – literally never.

Replace “ice cream” with “homework” or “no television” or “no iPad” and you get the picture. Plus, for reasons I can’t explain, it seems like Andrea is even more accommodating here than in Tahoe. Late for school but the twins demand to ride the bike? No problem. Breakfast served for them every single morning? Coming right up. Chocolate/sweet’s? Of course you can (a majority of their breakfasts are crepe’s with chocolate Nutella; an afternoon chocolate treat or cake is normal; and, of course, ice cream every single night of the week)!

By December I realized the situation was hopeless; the girls avoided me when it came to asking for something (best case), or yelled at my being mean (worst case). It was disheartening to realize at the beginning of January that I had to minimize my time with them – I couldn’t spoil them entirely, and Andrea showed no interest in coordinating our parenting.

Here is where I fear the cost comes into play. I’m not the perfect parent, but I have my strengths; same certainly goes for Andrea. But when the parenting is singular, any moderation is lost – the strengths of the absent parent are lost, the weaknesses of the active parent become exaggerated. So, for example, Andrea is not an organized person; this where I could help out. As dinner winds down I could step up, remind the girls bed time is approaching, communicate the expectation over time that they should go to the bathroom, wash their hands, and brush their teeth by themselves. In bed with 20 minutes to spare for reading or talking.

Instead, I check out; I literally check out. I go into the kitchen and clean the dishes, etc. Let’s say it’s 7:15 – realistically a great time for 5 year old’s to be nearly in bed and reading books. But Andrea has to pick up Annika at gymnastics, and Niki doesn’t want me to put her to bed (or brush her teeth), and rather than push back Andrea suggests that Niki come with her – now it’s 8:00 when they get home. Andrea (as she is solo) now has to deal with Annika, Niki, and Britta all at the same time. No problem…8:30 and they are in the bedroom playing a game. And chances are very good that the next day the twins will be grumpy, and Andrea will make excuses for them that they are tired – without back tracking to figure out who is responsible for that?

In the end, it is the effect this has on Niki that I fear the most.

Annika is such a sweetheart – full of empathy beyond her years, and it’s not in her nature to take advantage of her situation.

Britta really wants to please; the extent of her selfishness lies in her making you happy, meeting your expectations (Annika is sensitive to meeting expectations as well).

Niki is a wonderful, adventurous, and carefree little girl who likes to stir things up. That’s fine – with boundaries. Right now Niki essentially has none. She gets what she wants, when she wants it. One memory that sticks out is when Niki didn’t eat any dinner – nothing. She asked for ice cream; Andrea started the negotiations low (eat 4 bites of pasta) any quickly went lower (you can have a cookie, but no ice cream). This did not go on for a long time…easily within 5 minutes Niki had her bowl of ice cream.

Or, no penalty. Niki and Britta watching TV, and Niki pulls Britta’s hair, causing her to cry. Is Niki sent to her room? Not allowed to watch any more TV? Nope; just an apology is all that’s required). There are never any real consequences.

What positive lesson can Niki possibly take away from these types of experiences?

Andrea adores Niki’s adventurous and carefree spirit, and doesn’t want to reign that in at all. But I can’t help but feel this is a problem being nurtured.

I hope not, obviously; Niki still has moments of sweetness about her. But when there is only a single parent in the house…

I think back to how I viewed my Dad while growing up. He would come home visibly tired; you could tell he had worked hard, and this made a positive impression on me (later, when I worked with him over the summers, I was able to verify this). When he got home us kids would fight over who could take off this work boots, who could pick (ouch!) his “ingrown” whiskers, who could sit on his lap, etc. While I didn’t really understand his work, as a worker I really respected him.

Flash forward to today. My entire professional life is at the computer, at home. The kids know this, they see this, but they don’t really comprehend it. Annika knows all about computers (she has an iPad now) – they are about playing games. How can the girls respect the work I do in this case, if they figure I must be playing all day long? Seems impossible; it’s a detriment to working at home. It’s not that they will learn to disrespect me, but rather just lack respect. Not their fault.

My failures always seem pretty clear in hindsight. Take #47 for example.

It’s a Thursday (school) night, about 8:45. Annika is getting ready for bed, so I’m at the computer working. Andrea is on the phone – in Annika’s room! – with her parents. It’s my excuse, but I found this irritating for Andrea to be on the phone (her parents called) this late on a school night in Annika’s bedroom.

Annika comes downstairs – she doesn’t know what to do – and asks me about multiplication.

This is where I failed.

This is what I did: we went over a multiplication problem at my computer, then she walked away and I continued working. Later (5 mins) I notice she is on the couch with Kino, waiting for Mama to get off the phone. I (irritatingly, my work is being interrupted) get up and say “let’s go to bed Annika, I’ll go with you”. She starts to cry, says she wants to go to bed with Mama, and it goes downhill from there.

This is what I should have done: seen that she is bored/lost, I should have stepped away from the computer. Do some math. Then gently suggested her and I go lie down in her bed. This would have been controlled, positive, paced slowly, and quality time.

My biggest issue in Salzburg – bigger than in Tahoe, although the problem is there too – is that I am half occupied when I am at my work desk, and in Salzburg my work desk is in the middle of everything. I need to go there when I need to work, and not be there when I can’t/shouldn’t work. If there is contention for my attention, I need to step away from the desk. Otherwise I will fail.

Great so far! Spent a day at the Halenbad in Birschesgarten; Britta really wants to take swimming lessons!

Made it to Oktoberfest at the last day, which was fun. Accidentally took the first class train there, then rained a bit during the day, but the girls were troopers.

The girls saw their first circus (with cows and horses instead of elephants and lions, but all good!).

Twins are doing school from ~8:30-12:30; and gymnastics once a week. They seem to love it all. The first few weeks they rode their own bike, since we didn’t have the connector for the bike trailer. Now Andrea takes them by bike each day.

Annika has school from 8:00-1:00 (12:00 on Tues); since the second day of school she walks there herself, usually with friends.

Taking ballet (started with one school but now attending another); plays irregularly on a boys soccer team; and also gymnastics, irregularly. Gym is too bad – I think the level is higher than she is used to and she’s intimidated and aware that most of the girls are better than her, but we want her to stick with it. They expect her to attend 3 days a week – for 3 hours each time! Can’t manage that, but we’ll try.

Altogether the girls have literally spent less time in the car these 8 weeks in Salzburg than they usually spend in one week in Tahoe. Excellent!

Mostly a sweetheart. She loves to clean…each day she is sweeping the floors, raking the leaves, folding the clothes…each morning her and Niki are great about getting up, brushing their hair and teeth, before coming downstairs. She is sensitive like Annika, not as tough as Niki. We went to the circus, where they had a donkey in the show. Britta reached out her arms as the donkey would go by…she really is drawn to them for inexplicable reasons. Really does make you want to go out and get a silly donkey…

Certainly one explanation as to how and why Annika acts these days is due to her still adjusting to a new school, new friends, new environment. But part of it is age, too (see Wonder of Girls cheat sheet, Stage 3). She’s hyper sensitive right now; the (daily) adjustments can throw her for a loop. Annika has met a friend next door, Sophia, who is 2 years older but they get along great. Still, when together I can see Annika acting more like a big girl (wanting privacy, etc). That’s all good; I just have to be there to support her. She’s more resistant now to boundaries than in Tahoe, but again that is the sensitivity. She does still want to please, to excel, to achieve. It’s work for all of us, but it’s good work.

She can be ornery! Starts trouble with Britta, and you can see she enjoys herself. She is independent and content to go her own way. In Salzburg she LOVES to sleep on the hard floor; we’ve waken up in the morning to find Niki in our room, behind our door, fast asleep with only a blanket and pillow. This is likely because when she is on a comfortable mattress, she moves all over the place. She is restless even when she is exhausted!

She’s made an impression at school- a boy named Mateo seems to adore her. When she enters the classroom the routine is to shake hands with the teacher using your right hand. And most mornings Niki offers her left hand, knowing full well that she’s pushing the envelope. Character!

We’ve been in Salzburg just over a month now.

There’s been no apparent transition for Britta and Niki. They are still mildly anti-social, determined that everyone will speak their “voice” (ie, language), and are still able to create enough drama between the two of them that external realities don’t register on their radar.

Annika is doing well. She immediately met a good friend Sophia, who is 2 years older and lives next door. By the second day of school she was already insisting that she walk to school – alone (or without us but with friends, actually). She seems to relish the independence. There have been some bumps in the road – writing in cursive (everyone must write in cursive, which I thought had been buried eons ago along with Latin); German; missing her friends in Tahoe; and homework. For the most part these bumps are small, spaced far apart, and clearly seen from a distance.

Annika is playing (irregularly) on an all boys soccer team; I think she enjoys the mild amounts of attention she receives. She also participates (again, irregularly) in a gym class (intensive, they meet 3 times a week for 3 hours each time) which seems to be more advanced that where she was at in Truckee. She wants to find a way to do ballet, but we want school, German, and playing to be the larger priorities.

In all this is very good. The transition to being away from home in a different county could be extreme, but the girls are hanging tough.

Niki is interesting to watch. Unlike most girls (her age or even older), she’s entirely comfortable with being alone and not compelled to participate just to be with others. Along the same lines she doesn’t seem to tolerate controlling behavior, but instead will go off and do her own thing. It’s actually a refreshing trait to see; most of us aren’t comfortable enough in our own skin to be content being alone until we are well into our 20’s…

This same independence may be the source of Niki and I modestly butting heads at different times (she resists the parental role of control). But upon her return from Germany this year, it seems like things have improved. This is partly due to her seeming to require less parental oversite from me – she’s really been such a good girl lately. But also she’s more receptive (or I’m better at articulating the requirements) to what I say. It’s really so much fun to hang out with her this Summer…

She’s really taken to art, too. Now and again comes up with some interesting and complicated water coloring, likely inspired by her Opa. Again, independence…she will decide to color on her own, get all the materials quietly in her own, and start to paint…all without saying a word.

Fun.

Whilst roaming the library with the twins, I happened upon the book “The Wonder of Girls” (2002) by Michael Gurian. It’s of some interest, so after reading it I wanted to summarize some points – not for the girls sake, but for me to refer back to. 🙂

The gist: despite social goals of promoting equality, we still should recognize the biological, physiological, and biochemical differences in boys and girls and how these differences manifest themselves.

The Brain (neurological) development and maturation of girls (which outpaces the male).

Stage 1, 0-5.
– Female brains develop faster, right to left. Manifests itself as a larger vocabulary and more coherence.
– Secrets more serotonin, directly related to greater impulse control.
– Secretes more oxytocin, directly related to play with care objects or babies.
– Accelerated development of the occipital lobe, causing more sensory data input (better at distinguishing voices, more sensitive to noise. See’s, hears, and smells more than boys).

Stage 2, 5-10.
– limbic system development; more emotional control.
– hippocampus development, larger in boys than girls. Better memory.
– By 10, girls are hungry for input, information, new designs, new stimulants (more friends, more quality time with parents).

Stage 3, 10-15. Brain is growing in different areas at different speeds.
– Hormonal changes, puberty, and adolescence can cause her to be very vulnerable, emotionally and physically. The hormonal cycle will always include drops in self-esteem.
– Growth in the frontal lobe connections are growing as fast as infancy; connections depend on what (creativity, physical, analytical, etc) is being utilized, what’s not.
– Wants more independence and privacy; more aware of differences in people; curious; compare’s and contrast’s; thinks more abstractly. Therefore more motivated to disagree.
– More athletic; more personal (good and bad: takes things personally).
– More experimental; socially, emotionally, morally, physically.
– May be more judgmental, possibly in a negative way; but she will privately be able to reflect on this.
– There will be (monthly) self-esteem drops, but this is normal w/ brain and body development.
– I need to provide increased attachment, structure, discipline, limits. Provide passion guiding girls toward (appropriate) things and away from (inappropriate) things, with subtle managements skills. Let her be an adult and a kid, simultaneously.
– More going on in a girls brain than a boys, less deductive, thinks everything out, takes things personally. She can become “malleable” (analysis paralysis?), relying on others to make decisions for her. Be careful about this.
– Stress may retard brain development. Pay attention to our culture’s social overstimulation and hyper-stress environments. She needs a consistent emotional landscape to fall back on.

Stage 4, 15-20
– Life should get easier during this time, as she has more tools to leverage. Focuses on love, activities, education, her future.
– Very developed abstraction abilities; 4 abstract searches: identity, autonomy, morality, intimacy.
– Corpus collosum increases verbalization of emotions.
– Frontal lobes are more active, causing increased contemplation (consequences).

The Intimacy Imperative – the hidden yearning in every girl to live in a safe web of intimate relationships. 15% greater blood flow in women than men, allowing ultimately for greater facility for creating intricate, intimate webs of relationships.

A woman’s biology is the cornerstone of her mental health. Estrogen and Progesterone take primary control of the emotional, psychological, and mental transformation, while the brain gets accustomed to their effect and learns to manage the self.

What she needs from her Dad:

– gift of presence
– gift of independence
– gift of affection
– gift of discipline and self-restraint
– be involved and active in their life