Thoughts from the Trifecta

An anecdote on a Dad’s inability to connect with his daughter…or, more simply, a male’s incompetence.

While hanging out with Annika in her bedroom, Annika showed me an Enemy list she’s compiled (with an invisible ink pen, which is pretty cool). We talked about each kid on her list, and I tried to understand how they have earned their ranking.

I tried to explain the difference between not liking someone, and someone being your enemy. In hindsight this is where the problem occurred; I should have just continued listening, limiting my questions, but I was determined to make this a teaching moment.

Annika, getting frustrated with me, now felt the need to argue her case, that each kid (she focused on Mia at this point) really deserved to be on the list. She ended up in tears, and despite my calm assurances she wanted to be in her room by herself.

Now, as if I hadn’t screwed that up enough, I go upstairs and tell Andrea what has just happened. While retelling the story Annika starts to come upstairs, hears me, and yells out that I’m not supposed to tell anyone.

She ceases to talk with me for a few hours. A few days later I find a note under her bed, where we were talking, which says out of frustration with her Papa “I hate everybote”.

I need to learn when to talk, when to listen, and when to cut my losses. Men really are from Mars.

While to some degree this is a path I took, it was more stumbling than following anyone’s advice.

http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/259164/visiting-my-hundredth-country-dennis-prager?page=1

An excerpt:

For many years, I have urged young people to take a year off after high school to work and to take time off while in college to travel abroad, ideally alone for at least some of the time. Nearly everyone grows up insular. The problem is that vast numbers of people never leave the cloistered world of their childhood. This is as true for those who grow up in Manhattan as it is for those who grow up in Fargo. And as for college, there are few places as insular and cloistered as the university.

Insularity is bad because at the very least it prevents questioning oneself and thinking through important ideas and convictions. And at worst, it facilitates the groupthink that enables most great evils. Although one can hold onto insular and bad ideas even after interacting with others, it is much harder to do so, especially when one interacts on the others’ terms, as must be done when traveling to other cultures (and especially when traveling alone).

It is therefore one of the most maturing things a person can do.

The moment you meet people of other faiths whom you consider to be at least as decent, at least as religious, and at least as intelligent as you think you are, you will never be the same.

For Christmas this year Annika received a piano; the twins received a piano box. All could not be any happier….

We are struggling to maintain the reality of Santa/KristKind. Annika opened her piano box, only to find (and read) the Amazon paperwork (MAIL TO: Mark Johnson…). Sigh.

The package opening was, shall we say, out of control? We have to work next year on slowing things down, allowing everyone to enjoy and see what each received.

The duality still continues to challenge us. The Krist Kind comes on Christmas Eve, Santa on Christmas Day (stockings). But I continue to refer to the Krist Kind as Santa (that’s how I sorta see it), with Annika always correcting me.

I wanted to make a “movie card” this year, to give to friends (You Tube). But, surprisingly, Annika didn’t want to have anything to do with it. She reacted like I was generating homework for her. I’ll try again next year, as it could be a lot of fun.

Merry Christmas girls…! Love you!

Annika has been taking piano lessons for a few months now, after almost a year of her bothering us about it. It’s been impressive to watch; borrowing our neighbors electric piano, Annika has been self-motivated the entire time to rehearse and practice, without us having to manage the effort. Her progress – while it may be typical, who knows? – is still amazing to track. Her work thus far culminated in a piano recital last Friday. I am so proud of her…

We had to put Pooh down last Friday, Nov 5th.

After 2 months of mostly carrying him around, of daily pain meds, of semi-incontinence, Andrea made the difficult decision. From the waist up he was still a healthy dog – well, maybe a bit deaf, but otherwise sound. From the waist down he was a wreck, hampered by serious amounts of arthritis.

We got Pooh in February 1998; less than 3 months after moving to Tahoe. Most, maybe all, of my fond memories of him date back to those first 5 years before Annika was born, when Pooh received all of our attention. Almost literally every day of the year was spent in the meadows, either on skis in Winter or bike/running in Summer. He was never “with” me at those times; always a free dog on his own agenda, he’d be off running in the woods, following the smells, crossing paths with me now and again…Cleaning the deck of snow while Pooh barked endlessly below, wanting me to push the snow onto him so that he could catch it…barking at his reflection in the window at night…the gas, the snoring…these older memories cause me to reflect how Pooh certainly “gave” me something for first few years (more than I gave him I suppose), but the last few he did start to take a bit as he needed more help, more patience, more cuddling. The cycles of life, of relationships.

Britta and Niki only mildly notice his absence; they’ve asked a few times where he is, but they move on quickly. They don’t have those first years to miss, the active dog in their memory.

Annika seems to be quietly mourning; she asks questions about him, seems to be thinking about him when we are not aware. One of those times was yesterday; while driving back from Reno, Annika was (we thought) playing with the IPhone. Instead, she was writing this (without tears, but very likely with a heavy heart):

Pooh brex in to my haret i love him so much hi was the best dog hi
was the
Coler blond. Hi was the best dog i have
Ever sin. Wen hi was a pupi hi was so
Cuetto to siy.hi was 13 yirs old wen
Hi did. I stil love him and hi stil love mi.

I love poph

A pictorial of Pooh is at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVQxQaytpAc.

It’s absurd what we put Annika through, but she never – literally never – complains (well, not about the schedule at least).

School this year starts 30 minutes early; so she is up at 7am (we got her an alarm, so we won’t be tempted to let her sleep in and make matters worse). School is out at 2:20.

Monday – Swimming, 3:00 – 3:45
Piano 4:00 – 4:30
Soccer 5:00 – 5:45
Tuesday – Gym 4:30 – 6:00
Wednesday – Swimming, 3:00 – 3:45
Thursday – Ballet 3:15 – 4:00
Soccer 5:00 – 5:45
Friday – nada

In the winter, strider gliders (Friday for an hour) and Mighty Mights (twice a week in the afternoon) take over for swimming and soccer…

Annika’s first grade at Kings Beach Elementary comes to an end today; actually, it feels like it came to an end about 2 weeks ago, with the remaining time spent of field trips, at the beach, school carnival, et al. Fun is good.

We really can’t give Annika enough credit for what she has accomplished. She started first grade with a class of English Learners who had been exposed to Spanish since birth, and English speakers who had gone to Kindergarten, and in some cases pre-school, with Spanish immersion programs. For Annika, outside of some short term superficial exposure to Spanish, it was really her first time to be in an intense Spanish environment (immersed, as they say). I helped out in class on Friday mornings, and can attest to the insecurity one feels when the Teacher is only speaking Spanish and everyone (but you) seems to understand what the Teacher is saying.

Annika’s class scores were really impressive; not only the scores themselves but the progression she made, but empirically and from Teacher feedback. Language Arts (Word Recognition, Fluency, Vocabulary, Reading comprehension, Writing, Speaking and Listening) all went from 3’s (Basic, 70-79%) to 4’s (Proficient, 80-95%) and 5’s (Advanced, 95-100%). The first trimester Annika had nine 3’s (out of 22 total graded components) and zero 5’s. By the last trimester Annika had one 3 (out of 27 components) and two 5’s. Really impressive.

And, just as importantly, the soft skills (Works independently, Uses time wisely, completes homework, Listens, Respects, etc) were E (Excellent) throughout the year.

From Annika’s teacher: “She has done an amazing job for her first year in the immersion program…Annika is such an enthusiastic learner and has been a joy to teach”.

It wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning. Annika would get frustrated and upset at home doing homework; we certainly helped and encouraged her, but she deserves as much credit for her persistence and determination. She loves to impress and demonstrate herself, both to us and other adults and Teachers. So it was of her own doing that she would go out of her way to practice reading (for example), on her own, and then we would end the day listening to Annika read one of her many books. By the end of the school year, with the twins in the same room with their own beds, Annika would lay down on the floor between them and read Spanish books.

And English! It’s a valid concern that with Spanish immersion one’s English skills don’t develop as quickly as they would otherwise. But Annika was just as interested and motivated to read books in English, too.

Sure, I am biased. But the results speak for themselves, and I couldn’t be more proud of what Annika has accomplished this year. To celebrate, her classmates are coming over this afternoon for a party, the best way to end a school year.

Not sure where it comes from, but Annika will hammer herself hard when she doesn’t meet her own expectations; she’ll be left to fits, even in public; but, after some requisite tantrums, she’ll generally begin a plan to correct any deficiencies. Two cases in point.

Annika has learned the game of hangman, and wants to play one night. She goes first, with the expression “I love you” which brings a smile to my face. I go next, with the single word “ballet”. While guessing I remind her (to be generous) that the hanging man will have ears and a face. However, once the typical hangman is in place without Annika knowing the word, she runs to our bedroom and throws the most amazing fit. However, unlike most fits (“I hate [fill in the blank with the name of a family member]”), she is absolutely berating herself. I try to console her, but it’s pointless. It takes her at least 15 minutes to settle down, after which we continue playing later that night and she does really well.

Tennis. Annika has taken lessons in the past, but it’s been 2 years since she hit any balls. A coach is putting on a one time one hour free clinic after school; Annika is a bit late (which is another problem she has, likely handed down from me, is that she really hates to be late). She’s doesn’t even give herself the opportunity to fail; she’s immediately hesitant, doesn’t want to participate, has to be almost coerced to get in line. Finally she tries to hit a few balls being thrown to her, she mishits the first one and runs away just hysterical, in front of 20 kids she both knows and doesn’t know. She can’t be calmed down, so we eventually leave.

The lesson is two-fold: we need to figure out how to teach her to lighten up, but in the event this is hard coded in her DNA we need to be careful about setting her up to fail at new activities (like not using a difficult word like “ballet”, or hitting some tennis balls with her alone before she goes off to a first lesson). Pampering?….I dunno, but I want to see her succeed and be happy…

As Annika says, “this is the first day I’ll say ‘7’ when people ask me how old I am”. She was so excited about this day, referring to it off and on for the past 4 weeks (months?). I think she was a little disappointed (although she didn’t say anything to me) that she didn’t get a laptop (a Christmas request) or iPod. It’s a struggle, wrestling with the idea of wanting to do anything for her versus enforcing some measure of moderation…

It’s wonderful to see my big girl grow up, but tough to acknowledge the Birthday’s, definitive proof that she is in fact growing up. In general parenting is all about celebrating the present while looking forward to the future, except for Birthday’s when you reminisce about (long for) the past.

Papa

P.S. I typed this on Annika’s Birthday, but for some reason it never got posted. Posting now.

Monday – School at Kings Beach (9-3:15); pick-up (usually by Lily’s Mom Vali) and off to Ballet; home.

Tuesday – School; home.

Wednesday – School; home.

Thursday – School (until 12:30); Mighty Mights (until 4); home.

Friday – School; Strider Gliders; home.

Saturday – open.

Sunday – Mountain Camp (Squaw), 8:45 – 3:15; home.