Thoughts from the Trifecta

Pictures

Summary: I had visited Prague twice before:

1. In November 1990 (during Thanksgiving) with John Fehan by train. It was a thrilling trip; communism had collapsed only a year prior, and we had no reservations or plans. We got off the train and were greeted by numerous people who were renting their flats (capitalistic entrepreneurs!). We toured around, and found a great jazz club off Old Town Square.

2. Some time in 1992 with Rodney Mayo and others (forget who). We drove there and to be honest I have no recollection of what we did (likely an extended weekend at most).

Today Czech (Prague) is beautiful, but crowded. Really crowded. Whereas Hungary receives about 3 million visitors a year, Czech receives more than 3 times that (10 million, both #’s from Wikipedia). Compounding that, whereas the Budapest history is spread out all around town on both sides of the Danube, Prague history is mostly centralized in the Old Town (and primarily the Old Town Square) and the Prague Castle (in Lesser Town, on the other side of the Vltava River). Crowding is so overwhelming that most of the small Prague tours advertised via Airbnb marketed the fact that they would avoid the crowds – which makes sense practically but doesn’t make sense experientially as you don’t get to see (via the tour) many of the historical sites.

My train arrived in Prague around 4 on a Thursday; after checking into my Airbnb room in Lesser Town (50 Euro per night, sorta pricey) I went to dinner at Ferdinanda, which was fantastic and hard to find so it seemed like more of a local hang out.

Friday morning I took a 2 hour tour with David and a nice couple Mark and Susan from Wisconsin (they would continue on to Israel after Prague). The tour was nothing like the tour I enjoyed in Budapest; David talked only (very) superficially about Czech history, and in the end I learned very little from the tour (I had already gotten my bearings straight from walking around prior to the tour). After the tour I relaxed a bit in the room (the crowds were such a deterrent I decided to wait until dark to go back out and walk around). After dinner once more at Ferdinanda I wandered for 3 hours, through the Old City, across the Charles Bridge, and up to the Prague Castle which was entirely empty of people. I was able to see the St. Vitus Cathedral with literally no one around (earlier that day there was a line of hundreds of people waiting to get into the cathedral grounds), which was really cool. Back in my room by 10PM, I realized I had done and seen all I wanted to and so decided to leave first thing on Saturday (one big advantage of a Eurail pass; you just get on). 42 hours after my arrival, I was leaving Prague.

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The Czechs (Slavs) have lived in Bohemia since the 6th century. The slavic breakdown: East Slavs (chiefly Russians, Ukrainians, and Belarusians); West Slavs (chiefly Poles, Czechs, Slovaks, and Wends, or Sorbs); and South Slavs (chiefly Serbs, Croats, Bosnians, Slovenes, Macedonians, and Montenegrins).

Bohemia is the westernmost and largest historical region in the present-day Czech Republic. Today Bohemia sometimes refers to the entire Czech territory, including Moravia (southern Czech) and Czech Silesia (south east slice of Czech), all of which were at one time or another the Lands of the Bohemian Crown and ruled by Bohemian kings.

Like Hungary, Bohemia has had a lot of different masters. Bohemia was a kingdom in the Holy Roman Empire from 1004 to 1804 (when the Holy Roman Empire effectively ended); a crown land of the Austrian Empire from 1804 to 1867 (although Austria played a roll before that, as a part of the Holy Roman Empire. After the death of King Louis II in the Battle of Mohács in 1526, Archduke Ferdinand I of Austria became the new King of Bohemia and the country became a constituent state of the Habsburg Monarchy); and a part of the Austro-Hungarian empire from 1867 (the Austro-Hungarian Compromise of 1867 established the dual monarchy of Austro-Hungarian) to 1918 (end of WWII and the end of the Austro-Hungarian Empire). Bohemia was one of the five lands of Czechoslovakia founded in 1918 (defying claims of the German speaking inhabitants that regions with German speaking majority should be included in the Republic of German-Austria); was subsequently joined to Nazi Germany as the Sudetenland between 1938 and 1945; and in 1949 it was formally dissolved during the abolition of the land system following the communist coup d’état. In 1989 the Velvet (meaning peaceful) Revolution freed Czechoslovakia from the Soviet Union, and in 1993 Czech and Slovakia peacefully separated as well (self-determination, so to speak).

Along the way Germans came by invitation (the mid-13th century saw the beginning of substantial German immigration into Bohemia, into the northern and western border regions known collectively as the Sudetenland, to replace losses from the Mongol invasions in 1241), but were also escorted out by invitation (expulsions after 1945 WW II).

Language was one of the most contentious issues in Austro-Hungarian politics; all governments faced challenges in deciding on the official language of government and education. The minorities sought the widest opportunities for education in their own languages, as well as in the “dominant” languages — Hungarian and German. By the “Ordinance of 5 April 1897”, the Austrian Prime Minister Count Kasimir Felix Badeni gave Czech (meaning non-Catholic) equal standing with German (Catholic) in the internal government of Bohemia; this led to a crisis because of nationalist German agitation throughout the empire. The Crown dismissed Badeni.

It’s partially due to the reformation/protestant movement of Jan Hus that Bohemia eventually came under control of the Austro-Hungarian empire (via the Habsburg Monarchy), as the Catholics didn’t trust Czech speaking Bohemia with all their religious dissidents. Despite that Bohemia was predominantly non-Catholic from the early 15th century until the early 20th century.

The historical center of Prague is divided by the Vltava river into two parts: the Litte Side (Malá strana) and the Old Town (Staré mesto). The New Town, established by Charles IV, King of Bohemia in 1346, extends east past the Old Town.

The Charles Bridge connects both parts of the historical center. The bridge is named after Charles IV, King of Bohemia in 1346. His reign brought Bohemia to its peak both politically and in total area, resulting in his being the first King of Bohemia to also be elected as Holy Roman Emperor.

The bridge construction started in 1357 and finished in the 15th century. The bridge replaced the old Judith Bridge built in 1158–1172 that had been badly damaged by the 1342 flood. This new bridge was originally called Stone Bridge (Kamenný most) or Prague Bridge (Pražský most) but was renamed “Charles Bridge” in 1870. As the only means of crossing the river Vltava until 1841, Charles Bridge was the most important connection between Prague Castle and the city’s Old Town and adjacent areas.

The royal town (a town founded by the king) of Malá Strana was founded by King Ottokar II of Bohemia in 1257. It was created by amalgamating a number of settlements beneath the Prague Castle; the original residents were expelled and mostly German craftsmen and merchants were invited by the king. In the second half of the 14th century Malá Strana was extended by the King and Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV who built a new defensive wall called Hunger Wall. In 1419-1420 Malá Strana was burnt down by the Hussites, and in 1541 the town was damaged again by a fire but was rebuilt in the Renaissance style and many palaces of nobility were built (today home to many Embassies).

The Prague Castle (Pražský hrad), which began being built in 870, was a seat of power for kings of Bohemia (the Bohemian Crown Jewels are kept inside the castle), Holy Roman emperors, and today is the official office of the President of the Czech Republic. Unlike counterparts in other Central European countries such as Austria and Hungary, who are generally considered figureheads, the Czech president has a considerable role in political affairs. Because many powers can only be exercised with the signatures of both the President and the Prime Minister of the Czech Republic, responsibility over some political issues is effectively shared between the two offices.

The Metropolitan Cathedral of Saints Vitus, Wenceslaus and Adalbert is a Roman Catholic cathedral and the seat of the Archbishop of Prague. Until 1997 the cathedral was dedicated only to Saint Vitus, and is still commonly named only as St. Vitus Cathedral. The St. Vitus Cathedral is a prominent example of Gothic architecture and is the largest and most important church in the country. Located within Prague Castle it contains the tombs of many Bohemian kings and Holy Roman Emperors.

The Staré mesto is anchored by Old Town Square, with the medieval astronomical clock “Orloj”, first installed in 1410 which makes it the third-oldest astronomical clock in the world and the oldest one still in operation.

The Gothic Church of Our Lady before Týn is the main church of Prague since the 14th century. The Baroque St. Nicholas Church is also located in the square.

The square’s center is home to a statue of religious reformer Jan Hus, who was burned at the stake on 6 July 1415 for his Hussite beliefs; his execution, as well as five consecutive papal crusades against followers of Hus, forced the Bohemians to defend themselves in the Hussite Wars (1419–1434) (a civil war of sorts). The Jan Hus Memorial was erected on 6 July 1915 to mark the 500th anniversary of his death.

The Hussites were a pre-Protestant Christian movement that followed the teachings of Hus and the Bohemian Reformation; and was propelled by social issues. Although Hussites were one of the most important forerunners of the Protestant Reformation, it was a regional movement that failed to expand anywhere farther.

The Hussite cause gradually splintered into two main factions, the moderate Utraquists and the more fanatic Taborites. The Utraquists made an agreement with the Catholic Church during the Hussite Wars (1423) as they found the more radical views of the Taborites distasteful. Additionally, with general war-weariness and yearning for order, the Utraquists were able to eventually defeat the Taborites in the Battle of Lipany in 1434 and became the most common representation of the Hussite faith in Bohemia. However, despite an apparent victory for the Catholics, the Bohemian Utraquists were still strong enough to negotiate freedom of religion in 1436 via the Compacts of Basel, declaring peace and freedom between Catholics and Utraquists. 26 years later in 1462 Pope Pius II declared the compacts to be invalid. Catholics and Utraquists were emancipated (the Utraquist and the Catholic faiths were declared equal in front of the law) in Bohemia after the religious peace of Kutná Hora in 1485. This agreement finished a long series of religious conflicts in the Czech lands and constituted a definitive end to the Hussite Wars.

The majority Hussite ruled in the Czech Republic for two centuries until Roman Catholic Christianity was reimposed by the Holy Roman Emperor after the 1620 Battle of White Mountain during the Thirty Years’ War, which led to centuries of Habsburg (Catholic) persecution. The Thirty Years’ War was between various Protestant and Catholic states throughout Europe in the fragmented Holy Roman Empire. It eventually became less about religion and more of a continuation of the France–Habsburg rivalry for European political pre-eminence. The war was started when the new Habsburg Holy Roman Emperor Ferdinand II tried to impose religious uniformity on his domains, forcing Roman Catholicism on its peoples. This went against the Peace of Augsburg, a treaty between Charles V the Holy Roman Emperor and the Schmalkaldic League, signed in September 1555 which officially ended the religious struggle between the two groups and made the legal division of Christianity permanent within the Holy Roman Empire, allowing rulers to choose either Lutheranism or Roman Catholicism as the official confession of their state. If a ruler chose for his or her subjects to practice Lutheranism, the population which endorsed and practiced Lutheranism increased greatly.

The Battle of Bílá Hora (“White Mountain”), fought on 8 November 1620 near Prague, was an important battle in the early stages of the Thirty Years’ War. 15,000 Bohemians and mercenaries under Christian of Anhalt were defeated by 27,000 men of the combined armies of Ferdinand II the Holy Roman Emperor and the German Catholic League. The battle marked the end of the Bohemian period of the Thirty Years’ War and decisively influenced the fate of the Czech lands for the next 300 years. Its aftermath drastically changed the religious landscape of the Czech lands after two centuries of Protestant dominance. The result of the 1620 battle brought two centuries of recatholicization of the Czech lands and the decline of the Czech-speaking aristocracy and elite as well as the Czech language (accompanied with the growing influence of German-speaking elites). Roman Catholicism retained majority in the Czech lands until the late 20th century. Ever since the 1620 Battle of White Mountain, the Czech people have been historically characterised as “tolerant and even indifferent towards religion”. Today 40% consider themselves atheist; 40% are Roman Catholics; 5% are Protestant; 3% are members of the Orthodox Church; and 13.4% are undecided.

In front of the Old Town Hall is a memorial to martyrs (including Jan Jesenius and Maxmilián Hošťálek) beheaded on that spot during the Old Town Square execution by Habsburgs, after the Battle of White Mountain. Twenty-seven crosses mark the pavement in their honour. The crosses were installed during the repairs of the Old Town Hall after the WW2, while a nearby plaque which lists the names of all 27 victims dates from 1911.

On 3 November 1918, a Marian Column that had been erected in the square shortly after the Thirty Years’ War was demolished in celebration of independence from the Habsburg empire.

The former Jewish quarter “Josefov” is nearby the Old Town Square and is formerly the Jewish ghetto of the town.

Jews are believed to have settled in Prague as early as the 10th century. The first pogrom was in 1096 (the first crusade) and eventually they were concentrated within a walled Ghetto. In 1262, Přemysl Otakar II issued a Statuta Judaeorum which granted the community a degree of self-administration. In 1389, one of the worst pogroms saw some 1,500 massacred at Easter Sunday. The ghetto was most prosperous towards the end of the 16th century when the Jewish Mayor, Mordecai Maisel, became the Minister of Finance.

In 1850, the quarter was renamed “Josefstadt” (Joseph’s City) after Joseph II, Holy Roman Emperor who emancipated Jews with the Toleration Edict in 1781. Two years before Jews were allowed to settle outside of the city, so the share of the Jewish population in Josefov decreased, while only orthodox and poor Jews remained living there.

Most of the quarter was demolished between 1893 and 1913 as part of an initiative to model the city on Paris. What was left were only six synagogues, the old cemetery, and the Old Jewish Town Hall (now all part of the Jewish Museum in Prague).

Pictures

10 million people speak the Hungarian (Uralic) language; it borders Slovakia to the north, Ukraine to the northeast, Austria to the northwest, Romania to the east, and old Yugoslavia to the West and South (Serbia to the south, Croatia to the southwest, and Slovenia to the west). That geography goes a long way in understanding their history.

Summary: On Friday Dec 13 I took a train to Budapest from Salzburg, arriving just after 2PM. After walking to my Airbnb room in the Jewish Quarter, I left to walk around town. I stopped at a “street vendor” (it was actually a group of trailers with a lot of traffic and so looked safe) where I had some Hungarian dinner. It ruined my stomach for the rest of the trip. Next to the food spot was the Szimpla Kert, a famous tourist spot. Much of the Jewish Quarter was run down and ready to be torn down after the fall of communism, but some artists started moving in, determined to save the area it seems. They did that my opening community centers that would anchor the neighborhood and serve beer, too.

Saturday I signed up for a 4 hour tour with George, who was a 1st generation Hungarian (one parent was Egyptian, the other Hungarian with German roots) but a very proud Hungarian at that. Turns out I had George all to myself as no one else had signed up for the tour, which was fantastic for a lot of Q&A. What I learned is what’s documented here.

By the end of the 4 hours I was mentally exhausted; it was intense, in a good way. George was fantastic but I could sense some of his biases with respect to Transylvania (he suggested it is predominantly Hungarian, which I don’t think is true – plus, he never really mentioned Slovakia, which was also taken from Hungary yet when it broke fro Czech it didn’t look to re-unify with Hungary).

After George’s tour I signed up for another 3 hour tour, focusing on times during Communist rule. However, the aforementioned trailer food was wreaking havoc on my gut so I had to leave half way through to take care of business. Once it was dark I went back out for dinner, then retraced my steps with George on both sides of the Danube (with Buda on the west on Pest to the east) to take pictures at night. By the end of the night I concluded that I had seen everything, and so Sunday morning I was back on the train, 44 hours after my arrival. Despite the quick trip it was a very interesting city, and I really enjoyed my time there.

My notes:

– The year 896 is considered the start of Hungary, by the Hungarian grand prince Árpád following the conquest of the Carpathian Basin. The 7 Asianic tribes who first settled in Hungary around 896 are commemorated at the Heroes Plaza.

– In 997 the great-grandson of Árpád, Stephen I, ascended the throne. Szent Istvan (Steven) ruled from 997-1038 and converted the region to a Christian kingdom, to more closely align Hungary with Europe. He wanted Hungary to evolve away from a semi-nomadic culture into a feudal state (ownership of land vs service/labor).  Applying to Pope Sylvester II, Stephen received the insignia of royalty (including the Holy Crown of Hungary, currently kept in the Hungarian Parliament) from the papacy so it was then recognized as a Catholic Apostolic Kingdom. Hungary adopted Latin which remained the official language as late as 1844.

– By the 12th century, Hungary became a regional power.

– 1241, Mongolian invasion. The Mongolians seemed to be nomadic, so they wouldn’t conquer as much as they would rape, plunder and move on. After kicking Hungary’s butt, Hungary started building castles and fortifications, anticipating the return of the Mongols. See Fisherman’s Bastion in Buda as one example.

– 15th century Hungary reaches its cultural and political height.

– 1541-1699 Ottoman Empire. Despite many Ottomon’s not having Turkish descent, Hungarians aren’t too accepting of Turks today (according to George; he swore he would never visit).

– Early 1800’s. St Stephen’s Basilica is built. At first the Basilica was to be named after Saint Leopold, the patron saint of Austria, but the plan was changed in the very last minute to St. Stephen’s Basilica. In here is the mummified hand of Szent Istvan!

– 1849, Hungarian Revolution. They are independent for a short time…

– 1867 the Austro–Hungarian Empire. This was not a marriage of equals; Austria, as the seat of the Church, had most of the power. The Austro-Hungarian Compromise of 1867 established the dual monarchy of Austria-Hungary. The Compromise
partially re-established the sovereignty of the Kingdom of Hungary, separate from, and no longer subject to the Austrian
Empire. The agreement also restored the old historic constitution of the Kingdom of Hungary. The Hungarian political leaders had two main goals during the negotiations. One was to regain the traditional status (both legal and political) of the Hungarian state, which was lost after the Hungarian Revolution of 1848.]

– 1873 Buda and Pest join to become Budapest. The Jewish Quarter was next to Pest; Jews had to pay a toll to enter and had to leave at night.

– 1896 millennial celebration; Heroes Square, Andrássy ut (street, it and the metro were built to get the visiting Aristocracy from the Danube to the Park), City Park (Városliget Park), Vajdahunyad Castle and the metro to all these were built. The property along Andrássy ut was sold to the rich so that it would look good and maintain appearances; today most Embassy’s are here (US excluded). Vajdahunyad Castle is a Disney-like complex, consisting of small models of significant buildings throughout Hungary (so the aristocracy could see them as examples, without having to go there). Germans were contracted to build the metro line, only the second in Europe and the first to be fully electric.

– After WWI, Treaty of Trianon, Hungary lost 71% of its territory, 58% of its population, and 32% of ethnic Hungarians. Transylvania went to Romania; Slovakia went to Czech.

– 1940, Hungary joined Germany; in order to gain their allegiance Hitler promised to give them back land (Transylvania in particular). In 1944 Germany “invades” in order to fight the Soviet Union after the downfall of their pact.

– 1949, With WWII over, Soviet Union takes over.

– 1956, Hungarian Revolution. Soviet Union has to loosen the leash so as to not lose control (Communism does have to take into consideration and adapt to the local culture, people, and custom’s).

– 1989, Democracy arrives after the fall of communism (see Ronald Reagan statue).

– 2004, joins EU (due doesn’t yet use the Euro, as I found out).

Places:

– Szabadság Square (Liberty Square), built around 1900 and reincarnated multiple times depending on who is in charge (Hungary, Austrians, Soviets, Hungary). Currently (added ~2014) there is a WWII monument which is controversial; it makes Hungary look innocent of the Final Solution, although they weren’t (see picture of paper). The US Embassy is here, as well as a Soviet memorial to war heroes.

– Kossuth Square. This is the square of the 1956 demonstrations/revolution/massacre; a peaceful protest against the communist means of governing turned violent, and secret police started shooting. 70+ killed, likely more. Within a few years after this restrictions were slowly and slightly lifted, vs other eastern block countries. House of Parliament is here, as well as the Kossuth memorial.

Across the Danube in the hills of Buda…

– Matyas Templom. Church, then Mosque, then hospital (Nazi’s), then nothing (Soviets), then Church (around 39% are Catholic, 14% Protestant, .3% Muslims, and the rest agnostics or atheists).

– Prime Minister, President house.

– Buda Castle.

Hungary has a rich history which, owing to their geography, means they were kicking ass and getting their ass kicked by a lot of different players. They were not usually in the drivers seat, and WWI (or more generally their marriage with the Austrian Empire) ruined their 20th century since:

– They were a loser in WWI, and subsequently lost a lot of land

– Because of that they took the wrong side in WWII

– Because of that defeat they were then ruled by the Soviet Union

It’s only since 1989 that a truly independent Hungary has existed.

Some notes and observations…

The girls have been in Austria since mid-July. Due to work issues my initial plan was to arrive the beginning of Sept. But…

Work issues specific to legal residency in Austria was a hassle. The process started with Cisco in June, and by the end of August I was told it would take another 6 months (with Cisco as my sponsor). I pushed back, suggested that Andrea (as an EU citizen) could be my sponsor and I would go to Austria myself to manage the process.

I came (Sept 17th) and then abruptly left (Oct 1st) due to a delay with my residence permit and (silly and absurd) Cisco requirements. I then returned on Oct 19th, and had my residency permit on Oct 28 to start working again on Nov 4th.

Andrea left on Oct 27th as planned to work at Squaw for 4 weeks; she returned Nov 25th.

The 4 weeks alone with the girls while Andrea was gone was so much fun! Luckily the first of the 4 weeks I was not working so I had time to settle into a routine and figure things out. This included morning and late afternoon walks with Kino, daily trips to the grocery store, driving the girls to school on an emergency basis (the order was bike, bus, me), making lunches which seemed to improve over time until they were a large glass container of numerous fruits, and of course coming up with dinner ideas beyond what the stereotypical Dad is capable of. Every Mon/Wed/Fri Niki and Britta had LeichtAthletic (Track and Field) from 4:30-6 in RIF so they would ride their bikes (25 minutes) there and I would meet them by bike at 6:00 to ride home together in the dark. Each night at 7:45 we would watch the News on Kika (a children’s TV channel) and then start for bed at 8. My days were very much routine driven, but it was good and always ended each night with a story in bed.

For homework support Niki and Britta would Facetime Andrea just about every day, which seemed to be effective both at getting the work done and keeping the stress level down. After Andrea had been gone for 2 weeks Mimi arrived to step in and help out with homework.

I have to admit there was a cost to Mimi coming. The girls love her so much and always look forward to spend time with her, so I did start to see less of them once she arrived but their happiness as having her around was worth it.

Each day I take about 30 minutes for my German training on the phone with Babbel. My German is entirely embarrassing to the girls, which is what feeds my motivation to improve. Slowly.

I hardly ever see Annika. She’s out the door by 7:30 to school, and between after school stops at Mimi’s, or soccer training, or ensconced in her room downstairs doing school work (which would include her online pre-calc class or studying for her Dev 7th SAT test), or out with a friend it’s usual for her to not be having dinner with us. I did seem to score some much needed points with my teenage “protege” by managing to get her out of her Math class (so that she could take online pre-calculus instead; pre-calc was offered at AIS but a conflict with Annika’s schedule didn’t allow her to take it) as well as get her out of PE (with her soccer trainingserving as a reliable substitute).

This month ends with a weekend trip to Venice, which is currently experiencing the worst flooding in 50+ years. Should be an adventure!

In 4th grade Niki and Britta were lucky enough to have Mr. Dave Goggen as their teacher. He was a legend amongst his past students; everyone spoke so very highly of him. One big way he stood apart from other teachers, from the student perspective, was that he gave no homework. He explained his motivation to parents at the Parent-Teacher meeting to start the school year, but really his legendary status went beyond a lack of homework. He was engaging, he was calm, he was motivated, and he was always present, always mindful. I can easily imagine Niki and Britta having tangibly fond recollections of Mr. Goggen, well into their later years.

For reasons I’m not sure of, Niki and Britta wrote a letter to Mr. Goggen around September 2019. He would be retiring soon (maybe that’s why they wrote the letter), and as Niki and Britta were in Austria struggling to catch and keep up with their German speaking classmates Niki and Britta were even more nostalgic about 4th grade and the ease and fun of the entire school year. Mr. Goggen replied to their note with this:

Education, above and beyond the academic, as it should be.

Date:  	Mon, September 9, 2019 10:07 pm
Subject:  	On our way to school

Hi papa this is Britta, me and Niki started school yesterday. It turns out we will
be having 8 teachers!!!!!!! Math, English, Biology, P.E, Music, History, Latin, And
German!!!! Biology is soooo hard because we did not study that subject in Tahoe. We
meet a while group of friends yesterday and we even made 2 friends that we now from
kindergarten and gymnastics!!! 
Will email later Ombudsmann Tischplatte

5th grade; his name is Anders. Here is an unsent poem Niki wrote for Anders during their whirlwind romance in June 2019 before Niki left for Austria for 1 year.

Ever since I met you

Ever since I fell in love

I can’t stop thinking about it all

I just want to give you a call

Cause it’s true I love you tonight

So come climb with me to the stars that shine above

And come dance with me till we can’t no more

Cause I want to be here with you

Till the sun can’t shine no more

The joy of being the father of a teenager.

Middle of June Niki and Britta have their last soccer match at a weekend tournament in South Lake Tahoe. We intend to camp overnight, and Annika doesn’t want to go so we agree that she can stay home with the dogs.

While down there on Saturday Andrea tells me that Annika has asked if she can go to Kate’s for the evening (to be clear: I don’t receive any of these texts, they are all between Andrea and Annika). Andrea tells me she thinks it’s OK but that she wants Annika home by 11; I agree that sounds fair.

At midnight Andrea receives a call from Rob Gaffney, explaining that Annika is at their house, passed out in the bathroom after having vomited. Andrea is upset and very angry, which sounds right to me. We drive home to pick up Annika, and Andrea drops me off at the house to get the Subaru while Andrea returns back to South Lake Tahoe with Niki and Britta who are still (mostly) sleeping.

[As an aside it’s on the trip home that Andrea and I talk about Annika and I mention that I’m confident that I’m being lied to about a number of things; after insisting 3 times during this discussion that Annika did not sleep at Dom’s after the Prom Andrea suddenly admits that Annika did in fact spend the night. Andrea doesn’t apologize for the deception, and doesn’t explain herself. In fact she detoured to a classic what-a-bout-ism saying that this is no different when I don’t tell her about investment decisions I act on.  In the amoral world that Andrea lives in everything is on the same ethical plane, everything can be excused, and – most of all – Andrea is never at fault.]

I retrieve Annika from the Gaffney’s, return home and put her to bed. I explain to her that I’m going to look at her phone, to see how tonight played out because at this point I’m assuming Annika was supposed to be home at 11 and she deceived both Andrea and I.

I find this.

“I will not tell papa”. Andrea agreed that Annika could spend the night, and purposely didn’t tell me.

So not only did Andrea not confess on the drive home (when I commented that I was confident I was being lied to) that she had agreed (despite our earlier agreement that Annika would be home by 11) to letting Annika spend the night…but she actually confided in Annika that the two of them would deceive me.

This is just stunning. How many Mother’s teach their children, directly, not only how to lie but demonstrate that it’s OK to do this to a father/spouse? Andrea is a minority in this regard.

This is what the lack of moral integrity looks like, passing on to next of kin.

I subsequently have talks with Annika (and Andrea, although I’m really only talking to Annika to save her from her Mom’s amoral living habits) about the importance of honesty; it’s eroding affect on trust; and (by the way) drinking.

Sigh.

So Niki has her friend Emma over after school, and Niki decides (no clue where the inspiration came from) she wants to “build a jeep”. My immediate instinct is “that’s not possible”.

Luckily, I resist saying anything, and Niki goes about her task. She asks for a little help with cutting wood, but is otherwise on her own. What’s entertaining is that her friend Emma thinks the same as I (it’s not possible), and Niki pleads with her friend to be imaginative.

In the end, I’m dumb struck; it’s a beautiful work of art that I never anticipated. Don’t doubt the power of a young person’s imagination…

Annika went to her first Prom, as a sophomore, in a whirlwind weekend.

She drove to Las Vegas on Thursday with her Track team for the State finals (scored personal bests in 4×100, 4×200, and triple jump!); then flew to Oakland on Saturday where Dom, her date, picked her up and would bring her back to her parents house to get ready. The Prom was in San Francisco (possibly at some Hotel, Annika wasn’t sure), so Dom’s older sister drove them there and back.

While I had some trepidation – Dom is a Senior, I’ve never met him and he never bothered to call me to introduce himself – Annika justified her going (she REALLY wanted to, it wouldn’t interfere with track, she would get a cheap plane ticket, Andrea had met him before at Squaw [Dom and Annika met as both are Junior ski instructors], etc) so I agreed.

It got odd from there.

What I would have expected, under normal circumstances, is that any conversations about the weekend would be between Andrea, Annika and I. Instead, as I see Annika so (very) little now that she drives (even Niki and Britta lament that it feels like she’s not in our family any longer), I hear details (really, decisions made without me in the loop) about the weekend from Andrea at random times. My input or thoughts are never solicited, and my only parting advice is to not let Dom drive if he has been drinking. Fair enough, right?

On Saturday, Prom day, Annika is texting the entire day (at track, to the airport, at the airport, in Oakland, etc), which is all good. But she only texts Andrea – a small and insignificant detail, but consistent with how things are going specific to leaving me out of the loop. The plan, as I’m told, is that Andrea will drive down to the Bay Area Saturday evening to pick up Annika after the Prom, then they spend the night at my Dad’s in Benicia.

Andrea leaves for the Bay, and I don’t get any texts that night or Sunday morning; the first I hear from them is Sunday at 2:42PM, on their way home. I certainly could have (and likely should have) texted either Andrea or Annika (or both) before that, but I was busy with Niki and Britta at a soccer tournament in Carson City, and didn’t want to be a doting parent (“Did you have fun??”).

They get home to Tahoe Sunday night and I literally don’t see Annika; she goes right to her bedroom, takes a shower, hangs out, whatever. I go down to ask her to come up at some point and tell us all about her weekend, and later Niki and Britta do the same, to no avail. Finally I go downstairs and ask a few basic questions, aware that my questions are not appreciated, and as she is tired we agree to talk more in the morning. I’m just excited to hear how her entire weekend went.

All that is normal, in terms of Annika the teenager. Disengaged with the family, reluctant to say much, and generally impatient with me. I’ve gotten used to it.

Andrea tells me about the time with my Dad; while she doesn’t go into details about picking Annika up, she and Annika (later) both indicate that they slept in the same bed at my Dad’s (one of his spare bedrooms is empty of furniture), and they didn’t have breakfast with him (which seems odd). Details are sparse from both of them, which is also odd.

Here is what actually happened: Annika spent the night with Dom in Walnut Creek (I really know nothing more than that; I don’t know where, who else, when, zilch. I can’t ask because both are already committed to the lie, the illusion that Annika slept at my Dad’s). Andrea picked her up sometime on Sunday.

Here is what is really, really, disappointing and troubling.

Throughout our marriage Andrea has been consistently deceptive, about things both (very) big and (very) small; even worse, she’s shown no capability for guilt, remorse, or reflection on the damage done. This broken moral compass (my view) is who she is, nurtured as a teenager by an emotionally abusive (I can’t speak to the degree) Mom and emotionally absent Dad. When they said “no”, Andrea said (to herself) “I’ll do it anyway”. Deception became the normal resistant reaction.

What I never expected is that Andrea would both tolerate, and participate, in deception on Annika’s part. It’s heartbreaking: one important task of parenting is to teach (and demonstrate) morality, ethics, right vs wrong, and (most of all) the importance of honesty to a relationship and its foundation. There are certainly times when (for example) Annika might tell me something and ask that I not tell Andrea; I’m certain the reverse happens too, which in my mind is mostly acceptable as it’s important to respect her wishes and confidence. But not telling, versus telling lies and deceptions, are entirely different ends of the spectrum.

I’m at a loss as to how to bring this up with Annika in a constructive way, to properly discuss how one should be honest…