Thoughts from the Trifecta

Some times, most of the time really, it seems like the roll of a Dad is to simply give, provide, sacrifice, tolerate. There is very little in return, other than the implicit unintentional feel good moments (being happy because they are happy, successful because they are successful). As the girls get older this required output only seems to increase…

To some degree this is also true for the Mom (give, provide, sacrifice, tolerate), although in many cases (our’s, certainly) the Mom is not the primary money maker (way less to give and provide) and, for maternal connections I assume, Mom’s seem to get more physical feedback than Dad’s (Annika was hugging Andrea last night, from behind as they looked at something on the phone; I don’t even recall the last time I received a hug, kiss, or even touch from Annika).

I’ve noticed a pattern (maybe I’ve written about it already) where this negative (or absent) feedback system (ROI) can temporarily steer me into emotional valley’s where I think to myself “What the hell is in this for me?”. Today is a culmination of my current journey. To wit:

– We are trying to prepare for a 1 year move to Austria; financially this is mildly stressful, not only in sorting out the work details (starting with an approval to move) but also figuring out how to manage the rental houses (which grossed over $130K last year) from another continent. No one, Andrea in particular, has expressed even the slightest interest, concern, or curiosity about such details. I’m on my own.

– Each summer I sacrifice ~7 weeks of time with my daughters so that they can go to Europe and immerse themselves in the language, the culture, and their grandparents. It’s a worthy sacrifice but one that has always gone unacknowledged by all. So imagine my reaction when, this year, I ask about a short trip to Denver (with a continuation to Germany) to see my family. Here is their sacrifice:

1. Andrea needs to leave the US by July 8, so that she can make the annual family trip to Lech (us going to Austria for 1 year does not mean she is willing to miss the trip to Lech). Even though Annika doesn’t want to go to Lech (she wants to stay home and have some time with friends before leaving for a year), and even though the pets can’t be transported until Aug 1 (which is when Andrea’s house is available), Andrea must leave the US by July 8. No questions, no sacrifice.
2. This means a short trip to Denver would overlap July 4th. Annika, Niki and Britta want to be in Tahoe over the 4th. No questions, no sacrifice.
3. Andrea doesn’t even want to go to Denver, so she wants to figure out a way out of it for her. In fact her suggestions were they (my Mom, Arlene, David, Ethan, Sara, Tevin, and Ashton) come to Tahoe. Or that we go for a weekend in May or June, even though there is no free weekend in May or June. No questions, no sacrifice.

February 2019 was the snowiest month on record, ever, in the Tahoe Basin. Squaw received over 300 inches (25 feet!!!) of snow within those 28 days; it snowed 24 of the 28 days. I shoveled and blew every one of those 300+ inches (in addition to work, family logistics [driving], etc). It was already old by the middle of the month.

While that may be my excuse, regardless I didn’t shave for the month (I’ve never been prompt about shaving, but this was extreme). After a few weeks I told the girls it wasn’t a beard, but rather it was simply a side effect of not shaving.

By the end of the month it was officially a beard.

I hadn’t thought about it at all; not looking in the mirror made that an easy task. Annika, on the other hand, had to look at it a lot and did not like what she saw. She began an unsuccessful campaign to have Niki and Britta agree with her that I should shave.

Which got me to thinking.

Given that human beings, and young human beings in particular, are tempted by superficial clues (how someone looks, in particular) to judge people (for better or worse), I thought it would be interesting to challenge these impulses. If their Papa, who they know and love, suddenly looks different (and admittedly worse), but is still the underlying same person, maybe they might realize that looks are not a good first clue as to who a person is (and how they should be judged).

Sounds great, but the exercise was a failure for the most part. Annika continued to focus on me looking worse and not doing anything about it – which is a fair reaction. I was coming across as stubborn, which I don’t think I am and was not the point, anyway.

So then I thought of another exercise: Annika should learn how to influence people, a skill that will be useful in life. So I encouraged her to try and influence her sisters to “vote” that I shave; if she was successful I would shave. However, Annika’s attempt at influence essentially boiled down to trying to convince her sisters that I looked terrible (which they didn’t want to subscribe to as they thought they would be insulting me).

Sounds great, but that exercise was a failure for the most part, too.

So then I thought I’d continue the “challenge these impulses” regarding superficial judgement based on physical attributes, with the intent that this would end with my being clean shaven. Which led to this:

When the girls saw it they didn’t react at all; I think they were tired of this facial hair exercise.

I persevered being silly; why not have fun with it?

It turns out 16 is not a time of frivolity or goofiness; I was stressing Annika out, which was never my intent. So Niki, Britta and I went to work removing all facial hair, albeit incrementally in one short 5 minute session.

In summary, it is possible for me to overthink things, to see moral or ethical learning opportunities when in fact none exists. But also: I don’t recall 16 being such a fraught time…

In 2012-2013 we lived in Austria for one full year. Annika was in 4th grade, Niki and Britta in pre-K, and my 2 goals (language immersion and maximum time with Mimi and Opa) were easily met. We didn’t travel outside of Austria a lot – the girls were quickly consumed by school, ski team, gymnastics, etc – but it was a fantastic experience for all.

I thought it was a once in a lifetime opportunity (as a family), so I didn’t manage the details: ship the car, packed with our belongings? Sure! Take the dogs? Sure! Leave our house empty? Sure! Spend a lot of money? Sure!

Flash forward to Dec 2018, when Annika (10th grade at the time) says at the dinner table “I think we should go to Austria again for a year”, to which Andrea, Niki and Britta cheer on in the affirmative. I’m taken aback; I can’t believe Annika at 16 would want to leave her friends, also during an important (Junior) year in terms of college.

I’ve come to understand that Annika is not enjoying school much at all; she has friends but not a lot of close one’s, so her leaving is not actually giving up a lot.

Niki is similar; she’s had a terrible year (4th grade) with Mrs. Plapp, and unfortunately associates that negativity with the entire school and Tahoe in general.

Thus my concern is that they want more to leave Tahoe than to go to Salzburg. Plus, as was the case in 2012, their language skill with German is entirely acceptable (and will easily improve) with speaking, but no where near grade level for reading and writing. School will be a challenge.

Well, almost (for Annika). Since she must receive credit to complete her High School requirements, were she to go to a local school she would then also have to attend online school to satisfy her US requirements (English, History, Math, etc). So the decision, really the only option, is that Annika attend a private American International School (which is pricey).

Back in Dec 2018 we set a deadline of March 1st to verify all the planning (school in particular) before deciding if we will/can go or not; that date blows by. We then set a date of April 15; that date blows by. Andrea’s life motto of “why do today what you can do tomorrow?” plays a part. We still don’t (as of end of April 2019) have a definite “yes” for the twins, in terms of a school, but we’ve decided last night we will go.

What I’m confident of:

– Language immersion. This will be a good thing.

– Mimi and Opa. This too will be a good thing; as they continue to age quality time will be more rare, so this is worthy.

– Overall experience. The girls are comfortable enough with Salzburg that the cultural experience will continue to grow.

What I’m less confident of:

– School (Annika). It’s not obvious to me that Annika will flourish, personally. There is no guaranteed reason why she will have better personal experiences with girls at the International School in Salzburg more so than her longtime friends in Tahoe.

– School (Annika). I have no idea how attractive 11th grade at an International School is to potential colleges. Regardless of grades, Colleges may see it as not very rugged, with more play time than work time.

– School (twins). I’m really concerned about language. In 2012 Annika had difficulty the first half of her 4th grade school year (but to her credit she shined the second half) owing to German, but now Niki and Britta will be in 6th grade with more developed ego’s which need to succeed. For them to stumble the first half of 6th grade will be much more difficult to manage (much of which will have to be handled by Andrea, specific to the language).

– Britta. She’s sorta the innocent victim here. She’s happy with Tahoe, school, skiing, gymnastics, soccer, friends. She’s excited to go but also a little apprehensive, as she will be giving up all those things – more than Annika and Niki.

My last concern, less so, is Life. The girls (mostly Niki and Britta) complain sometimes about life (too busy, tired of snow, blah blah blah). But in Austria they will be giving up a lot of things they take for granted, from entertainment (Alexa, Netflix, etc) to sports (trampoline, gymnastics, soccer). They won’t be as busy, either, But maybe this will be a good lesson; go without the things they assume, and upon our return maybe they won’t assume as much.

The last question mark concerns (my) work and money. In 2012 my boss allowed the move and it was essentially not managed through HR (pay remained in $ to my US bank account). It was super easy but likely not super appropriate. This time around (new position, new boss) it won’t be so half-hazard so I still have to work out the details.

And since this isn’t a “once in a lifetime opportunity” any longer, I’m paying more attention to finances (paying $8K to send a car there and back, or spending $10K to leave our Tahoe house empty, for example). This will affect the experience to some degree, but hopefully not as much. It could be that the girls don’t (formally) participate in gymnastics or skiing, such that there won’t be as many weekend trip to the mountains or gym competitions. More time in Salzburg, on bikes. 🙂

To be continued…

Let’s say a blind date means this: you meet someone for the first time, you spend a few hours together, you get to know each other and (maybe) hit it off 0r (more likely) not hit it off.

With Annika some afternoon or evening we’ll enjoy some quality time, where it feels natural and positive with easy conversation. I’ll go to bed happy for the experience.

The next day confirms there is no continuity: the time together is quiet, interrupted, annoying (on Annika’s end), and generally unwelcome.

Raising a teenager is a bit – no, more than a bit – like a perpetual blind date (groundhog day). Each day is a brand new blind date with a stranger, getting to know each other (or in my case avoiding any minefields while proactively navigating the terrain).

Niki and Britta promise we it won’t be this way with them…right…:)

Funny…

I think a lot about The Goodbye: when your child leaves, not only physically but psychologically and emotionally, home. They will always be in your life, but it’s different…it’s grown up, massively reduced, with an emphasis transitioning from need (which is reliably consistent when young) to want (which is reliably inconsistent with the distractions of daily life as an adult).

I had equated The Goodbye to High School graduation and (more specifically) leaving for college. I recall in May 2013 when Annika was “graduating” from 4th grade in Salzburg, lying in bed with tears in my eyes, fearing the real graduation that would come too soon in June 2021. I have many parenting faults but that doesn’t diminish parenting being the most important and rewarding thing I will ever take part in, and High School graduation was, in many ways, the end of that – I will always be a parent, but I will no longer be parenting.

A quote from Barack Obama, Sept 7 2018 during a speech that was not about his daughters:

I also wanted to spend quality time with my daughters, who were suddenly young women on their way out the door. And I should add, by the way, now that I have a daughter in college, I can tell all of the students here, your parents suffer. They cry privately. It is brutal. So please call. Send a text. We need to hear from you, just a little something.

But lately friends with children who have recently graduated from High School have enlightened me to an obvious yet unseen reality: the real goodbye happens around 16. These friends talk of barely seeing their children once they are 16 and driving and independent and busy with their teenage lives. Which for Annika is 5 months away. 5 months until The Goodbye that I was already weeping about in May 2013 but not expecting for another 32 months. Here is a text from Annika, this week:

Put then we could get my license like 30 days earlier.... I don't care I just want to drive, Alone

So I’m thinking a lot this week, contemplating need vs want. Annika wants me less and less while she needs me more and more (starting with a car), and I was tempted to console myself imagining that I still have Niki and Britta who want me more than they need me. But upon reflection this is a fallacy; when Niki or Britta or both of them ask me to play a game, play outside, read to me, etc – it really is more of a need than a want (or maybe it’s equal need and want). And if they had a friend over they would readily play a game, play outside, or read with that friend over me – after all, friends (want) are just more fun than adults (need). They need me when they want to play, just as they need me when they are doing homework.

While the tone of this note might seem depressing, it’s not really. I’m reconciling myself to the reality that I should be looking forward to the girls becoming adults and leaving home, as that’s when we are much closer to them talking or being with me because they genuinely want to, versus need to. It’s a good thing. Still, don’t forget: So please call. Send a text. We need to hear from you, just a little something.

Annika, maybe one day years from now you can better explain the reasons you decided to stop gymnastics; it certainly came as a surprise to Mama and I!

To be clear, I’m not mad or upset; while I loved watching you train, compete, and improve your gymnastics over the years (and years!), in the end this was your passion and if the desire has left you then stopping is the right thing to do.

I just feel bad thinking that this must have been a difficult time and decision for you, months in the making, that I just didn’t see. Prior to your leaving for Europe (summer 2018) you had expressed exhaustion about the drive to Reno – I totally get that, although having guaranteed time to spend with you, even if it has to be in a car, was something I always looked forward to. But you hadn’t hinted – or maybe I was being deaf – that you were uncertain about your ongoing commitment to gymnastics.

Still, what a great time it was, every year getting better. This year was the best, culminating in you going to State (Las Vegas – remember the Hard Rock Cafe? 🙂 ) and Regionals (Phoenix – how about that rental car!).

You did so great in a sport that is extremely physical, challenging, consuming and relentless. I am so proud of you, and watching your progress is something I’ll always remember. And just in case I need reminding, we have this which, I must admit, was fun yet emotional to put together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7M-zvFLkMk

In the very act of asking that question, you are seeking reasons for your convictions, and so you are committed to reason as the means to discover and justify what is important to you. And there are so many reasons to live! As a sentient being, you have the potential to flourish. You can refine your faculty of reason itself by learning and debating. You can seek explanations of the natural world through science, and insight into the human condition through the arts and humanities. You can make the most of your capacity for pleasure and satisfaction, which allowed your ancestors to thrive and thereby allowed you to exist. You can appreciate the beauty and richness of the natural and cultural world. As the heir to billions of years of life perpetuating itself, you can perpetuate life in turn. You have been endowed with a sense of sympathy—the ability to like, love, respect, help, and show kindness—and you can enjoy the gift of mutual benevolence with friends, family, and colleagues. And because reason tells you that none of this is particular to you, you have the responsibility to provide to others what you expect for yourself. You can foster the welfare of other sentient beings by enhancing life, health, knowledge, freedom, abundance, safety, beauty, and peace. History shows that when we sympathize with others and apply our ingenuity to improving the human condition, we can make progress in doing so, and you can help to continue that progress.
― Steven Pinker, Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress

Niki is really beginning to flourish as an artist at the young age of 10.

She’s really taken to photography – she received a compact point-and-shoot for Christmas, but prefers the larger SLR with the zoom lense. After returning from a 3 day trip to Utah for her XCel Regional Gymnastics competition she had taken nearly 700 pictures – some of which show she has an eye for photography by seeing things from a perspective which is not intuitive.

She’s also taken to poetry – she calls them stories but they really are amazing poems. She sat down and without hesitation or writers block wrote 2 poems which were just beautiful. Here they are (spelling hers :)).

The Land and the Sea

The land hoverd with light as bright as the sun
while the animals creapt back home like a cheta hunting it’s pray
The trees hushed the animals to sleep
while the wistiling wind sang with the trees
while the wavews made a druming sound
while the grass blew like a flut
while the moon shaderd light on the animals
everything sang
the sand crunched like a soft moraka
the land was full of sound
buitiful sound
while the animals slept something happened under the water
a whale and a shark fought
niping hurting
the water was an ice cube
the skin as a coat
the eys like a eagle
waching a fish tails waging
soon both wher gone
gone in the light

The Buitiful Bear

The sun was a bright as a flashlight in the dark
the trees skreamink with the wind like a babby crying
the darkness was as dark as a black cat
the fur was as soft as a wool coat
the eys wher as buitiful as a birds song
the claws were as sharp as a sharpend knife
the legs wher as strond as a rock
the heart was as warm as a fire fild with kindness
the mity bear roared
he stood on a rock as buitiful and sturdy like wood
his ears wher as good as an owles
the water was as if it was a lether mirror
the sun pushed away the clouds filled with anger
and brought the sky full of love
the love spreaded out as fast as lava running
the bear wached the suns shimering sole fall into the lake
while the moons white face apered
the wind picked up like a fire blowing
the grass sang like a huming bird
the “fires turned wood to ash”
the snow fell
the bear went into the cave
all quiet with no riot

Yesterday Britta was at the dentist, to look at her broken tooth (the result of an errant iPad flying out of the Westfalia cabinet while driving to Utah for the XCel Regional gymnastic competitions).

While in Utah, Niki and Britta bought new extremely comfy shoes. The shoes are identical, so while at the dentist I noticed Britta had written a “B” on the side of each sole.

I pointed out to Britta that she and Niki could have limited this approach to a single shoe each.

Britta hesitated, but only for 1-2 seconds – thinking it through. She then flashed a huge smile and correctly pointed out that if she had marked (for example) her right shoe (only), and Niki had marked her left shoe, they would have been able to correctly know which pair of shoes was whose.

This young lady is bright!

I see it in numerous instances, week after week. She’s insightful, logical, diligent and thorough. It’s characteristics which are uniquely, beautifully Britta.