Yet another affair – Meditations
Last post on this topic, the affair with Jack Lyons.
Jack seems to be big into meditation – good for him, sincerely.
Many days he will forward to Andrea a daily message he receives (I think) from his meditation app. It’s actually a nice gesture, and the messages are always inspiring and positive like this:
But the dichotomy of Jack sending socially redeeming messages to someone he is having a socially unredeeming affair with – a married woman with 3 kids, and he knows these kids very well – is bewildering. How can the human mind rationalize one’s obviously inappropriate actions so effectively – especially one who is meditating each day to conceivably become a better person?
[As an aside, I recall a text Andrea sent to my Dad a few years back mocking me for my meditation attempts. One person’s folly is another person’s reward.]
I understand love and passion; I don’t understand affairs. The former is beautiful and uplifting and empowering and regenerative; the latter is lazy and hideous and destructive and moral cowardice. It’s. So. Obvious.
My marriage with Andrea effectively ended June 4th 2002, when she had her first affair while pregnant with Annika. While it’s arguable whether we’ve done a good thing by staying together (“for the kids”) all these years, I still assumed that Andrea would not subject her kids to the damage done by another affair, and that she didn’t actually need or desire a relationship – she wanders through life solo, no dependencies and no regards.
[I have my thoughts on why; for another day. In this regard I do sympathize with Andrea, as I see her very much as a victim.]
These texts with Jack certainly make me re-consider these points; the texts feel like they are between teenagers, newly in love. Sort of. But they’re not. They are between two desperate adults in their 50’s, one divorced with 2 boys and one not divorced with 3 girls. If Andrea had approached me (ideally honestly and sincerely) to talk about ending our marriage as it’s no longer healthy for her or (she might believe) the girls, I would absolutely have that conversation. If we could deal with our relationship (such as it is) and with each other with some requisite respect, we could be on the right foot towards ending the marriage and beginning a new life but in a positive and affirming and beneficial way for the girls.
Instead, I’m pondering divorce and not sure how much respect I can muster. Respect for me – it’s arguable that it was my only option, but still – eavesdropping on Andrea’s texts? Not really. Respect for Andrea, bitter and angry and impatient with me 24×7? Not really.
It’s odd. Before marriage I would fantasize about being in love. The first few years of marriage I didn’t fantasize about a thing because I was over the top happy and in love. After Andrea’s first affair I would fantasize about simply having a decent, respectful and loving relationship with a partner who would be my equal. Now I simply fantasize about having a mature, non-confrontational divorce. How’s that for de-evolution?
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